Yeesh, is this series of The Apprentice
still going? I have to admit, this year hasn’t been a classic, and even the annual foreign trip wasn’t great. Are we even getting a shopping channel task? We should, it's an odd-numbered series so it's the law.
We start with Zoe getting the phone – the girls have got phone wars sewn up this year, haven’t they? They’re off to St Pancras, which DEFINITELY HETEROSEXUAL Leon greets with a flouncy “ooh, Eurostar, very nice.” On the way, The Actor Michael Sheen has finally noticed that he hasn’t been PM yet. To be fair, he’s probably commented on it for the last half-a-dozen tasks, we just haven’t been shown until it became relevant, for lo, LdAlan shall anoint him Leader of Logic very soon. Melody, meanwhile, has worked at UN level (‘course you have love, that’s why you’re grovelling for a job on a reality show now, isn’t it?) and therefore speaks over 300 languages including French, Italian (self-taught,) Mandarin, Klingon and Welsh. Well no, obviously not Welsh, that would just be silly. But too bad, LdAlan has spoken, you can’t be PM. You also can’t win because LdAlan has sent Helen back to Venture so The Curse of NotHelen goes back to Logic. And boy, it really needs to be a strong curse as Venture’s PM will be Susan, who cheerfully informs us she knows nothing about France. This turns out to reach the extent of “do French people drive cars?” “Do French people love their children? Or do they eat them?” and “Are French people carbon-based life forms native to the planet Earth?”
Half the teams stay in the UK to select products to sell; usually this involves pitches but for some reason this time there’s just a load of products bunged into a big room for the Apprenti to wander round and manhandle, before the inventors eventually turn up and tell them what they are. Meanwhile the other halves of the teams are off to That Paris to make appointments and do “market research.” Eurostar Porn! And when I say “Eurostar Porn!” what I mean is “Eurostar very obviously stock footage!” On the train Jim LOLARIOUSLY gets some French wrong and says he speaks a small pea... Oh fuck it, I don’t like Jim so I’m trying to go along with this being a really embarrassing gaffe, but I suspect that the “un petit peu/un petit pois” thing is a really common error, so if this is the best the editors can find I guess their hopes of the Apprenti making tits of themselves in French didn’t quite pan out. They’ll have to stick with Susan, who needs to know if the French are mammals who give birth to live young, or if the female lays eggs which the male then fertilises by swimming past and spraying a small cloud of seed on them.
The teams in London have seen the products and are describing them to the others; Melody has not
seen the products but has decided to shout The Actor Michael Sheen down over his choice of high-end item, a child car seat that turns into a rucksack, in favour of a naff, overpriced light fitting in the shape of a teapot. Tasked with research, Melody is meant to be finding out about the store they’re pitching to tomorrow. Instead she wants to prove her choice of product is better, so she asks (with the “help” of Leon drawing things he’s never actually seen either) passers-by if they like the car seat rucksack or teapot lamp idea better. Unfortunately they disagree with her and say the car seat, so she rephrases the question: Concentrating her attention on people just getting off the Metro, she asks them if they use cars or the Metro. Overwhelmingly, the Metro. ZOMG! Better not do the car seat, nobody in That Paris even has a car! Meanwhile The Actor Michael Sheen meets the inventors and tells the rucksack man that he’s worked with products for kids’ before; normally this is the moment that wins him the product when he bids for it against the other team. But The Actor Michael Sheen’s actual knowledge of the market is of course no match for Melody’s constant onslaught of sneering so he capitulates: Venture can have the rucksack unopposed, Logic take the teapot. I assume there’s an unmentioned rule about each team having one expensive and one cheap product, as Venture also have a load of pipe cleaners twisted into what is allegedly a spider shape, that you can hang your smartphone on in your car if you’re not that bothered about it falling out and breaking. And Logic have got Cress Cards. No, me neither.
Melody, evidently the only person to speak French, is booking appointments in French. We see Jim phoning people up and asking if they speak English, mainly for contrast with Leon who does nothing, telling the camera that he doesn’t speak French and therefore has nothing to do. I mean, he’d go and shag some French woman what with being so HETEROSEXUAL but they’ve all got really hairy armpits so eww. OK, he doesn’t say this but come on, The Apprentice
, where’s all the casual xenophobia this year? Apart from Susan needing to know if the French have evolved to walk on their hind legs yet we’ve had nothing. I blame the producers and their choice of products. Why wasn’t one of them a deodorant, so the Apprenti could go and pitch that it specialises in covering up the smell of garlic and surrender? No, instead it’s a teapot lamp, which after demanding
be their product not having seen it, Melody and Leon now actually get to look at for the first time. Evidently forgetting whose idea it was, they essentially go HAHAHAHAHA YOU FAHCKING CAHNT WHYDYAPICKTHAT in The Actor Michael Sheen’s face. Time to divvy up the next day’s pitches; Melody’s job was to make appointments, which she has done. She has now decided that she will do all of them. It will require her to be in all parts of That Paris at the same time but she doesn’t care, having to give any of them up would be soooo unfaiiiir. This is because this is the annual task with the individual order books, whose only function is to cause tensions since supposedly LdAlan doesn’t want no bladdy salesman this year and therefore this is meaningless.
On the sales day The Actor Michael Sheen and Natasha do rock paper scissors over who should do the big pitch to a department store; they don’t actually seem to know it’s a department store as Melody and Leon were too busy asking Metro users if they used the Metro so didn’t get round to doing this bit of research. So when Natasha does her cringey pitch (I’m not sure if she was being patronising to the buyers or herself here) she’s clearly clueless. The Actor Michael Sheen meanwhile has acquired a French accent with which he puts the final nail in the coffin by offering to sell them just ten lamps. Melody, meanwhile, is stuck in traffic between her many pitches, surprised at the fact there even is
traffic; after all, yesterday when they went out of their way not to look at any roads, they didn’t see any! She eventually dumps one pitch on the other sub-team because she can’t get there, and Leon also eventually asks if he can do a pitch, because while he’s enjoyed spending the day sitting behind in the car masturbating, his cock’s a bit sore now so can he get something in his order book pleasethankyouplease? Melody graciously allows him the crumbs he’s asked for with a “why don’t you take the sale I made and make us proud?” Now that
, Karren, is passive-aggressive. By the end of the day Melody has decided she should move to That Paris and do business there as she’s clearly so fabulous at it. Oh and Venture have been doing stuff as well but that’s obviously irrelevant since it was made clear in the edit that the task was won when they picked the car seat.
Back in That London! Gherkin! Boardroom! Logic done made €11K or thereabouts but Venture done made €214K off car seats so they can go pretend to fly a plane. Melody yammers on about the “market research” and can somebody
on this show, please
one day mention the fact that if you skew your questions it skews your answers? Because leaving aside the fact that this wasn’t what she was meant to be finding out anyway, when she straightforwardly asked people what they liked, she got pointed straight at the big-money product. She also successfully digs Leon’s grave by telling him to join in any time he likes, which LdAlan jumps on, now that it’s been pointed out to him that Leon serves no purpose. Other than oozing HETEROSEXUALITY onto our screens, obviously. Melody and Leon are the ones brought back, and it’s her REZ-YOU-MAY LdAlan goes over, asking her about all her awards what she done won, like the membership card to the Dally Lama fan club, and the badge that says she’s the Bestest Asian. She confirms that yes, it’s all true and she is indeed awesome. The Actor Michael Sheen meanwhile is asked if he thinks he’ll be as big as James Dyson; bigger, apparently.
Firing time and Melody is allowed to stay because she’s a monster who’s clearly going to be fun at interviews. LdAlan kinda fire-teases The Actor Michael Sheen but despite his being a bit rubbish at dealing with humans, the change to this year’s prize means that in some ways he’s the ideal candidate – a creative who could actually do with someone a bit more bullish like LdAlan on his side. I mean surely LdAlan is looking for people with ideas, since he don’t do no bladdy thinking. No, Leon was far too pointless to stay any longer, and not even entertainingly so. Leon, you’re bladdy fired. Farewell, we barely knew ye. No, really, all we knew about you was that you were so DEVASTATINGLY HETEROSEXUAL.