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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
The 9 to 5 Factor 
5th-Dec-2011 03:08 pm
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Previously on The X Factor, the terrifying prospect of Janet CREDIBLE Devlin winning was averted when she forgot the words to “Mmmbop” (clue: the words are mainly “Mmmbop”) although the remaining alternatives aren’t much better. This week: “It’s out of the judges’ hands! You decide!” Really, Shouty Voiceover Man? Are you sure though? You don’t want to wait until five minutes before the results show starts to decide what the rules are like last year? OK then.

Here comes HETEROSEXUAL Dermot with his wimminz, dancing to “Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance?)” and frankly however many women he surrounds himself with his dancing doesn’t do his HETEROSEXUALITY any favours. He calls the wimminz his “Dermorettes.” What is it with this show and group nicknames that are never going to catch on? Dermot reiterates several times that the judges have no vote in the results show, which is really going to be a bugger when they change their minds. He introduces the judges, one of whom is apparently called Kelly LOWLAND. She must be new. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU is back to doing her “smell like me!” salute. It’s two bloody songs each again and this time the first theme is:

DING DING! ROUND ONE: MOTOWN First up Kelly LOWLAND introduces HUMBLE MISHA, whose hair in the VT is a ponytail going in about three directions at once. It’s not quite as interesting on stage but it’s still better than we’ve seen recently, like a ‘60s hairdo that’s mutated. Her dress is made of broken vinyl records – visually I’m not complaining, it’s a bit closer to the mental look she actually favours. The song’s “Dancing In The Street” with occasional random interjections, and it’s an improvement on recent week’s performances. I’d probably think it was really good if I didn’t remember what Misha could do back when she knew what her own personality was. Gary thanks Misha for making this experience a positive one for him, possibly to make up for the interview in the week when he said he wasn’t enjoying doing X Factor.

Oh crap, they’re already advertising next year’s auditions. They plug them by showing Fat Bieber and other people who didn’t actually make the show. Hey everyone, audition for the X Factor and be like this lot! Not actually on the show!

Dermot goes to Kelly LOWLAND who is too busy staring into space to introduce MAYBE PINK BLEACHED HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING. Fair enough, I prefer staring into space to watching Amelia Lily as well. Her song (which she’s intermittently actually singing, to inject a bit of variety between barking) is “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” I can definitely believe the line about there being no river wide enough – given how far apart her legs are when she performs I’m sure she could stride right across that river.

OATIBIX went to the Hugo premiere and claim to have overheard Prince Charles saying he was voting for them. OK, I’ve heard enough, let’s overthrow the monarchy. Their song is “You Keep Me Hanging On” which includes the lyric “But how can we be friends when wurgen hurgen yurgen fnurg *cough* And there ain’t nothing I can do abaht it.” I didn’t know the Swedish Chef had stuck around after last week’s Muppet guest appearance. Louis says there was something missing from the performance, like some of the words for example. Gary says they should let the one who can actually sing do more of the singing, Louis agrees, but Toula CONTOSTAVLOU insists her little muffins are all equals, none of them are better than the others, or indeed better than anyone else, for their lack of star quality is for some reason their main selling point. Kelly LOWLAND stamps her hand on the desk to reinforce that in a group there’s always a lead singer. Like Beyoncé for example.

Dear PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS, Movember is over, you can shave the spivstache now. In his VT Fat Bob randomly turns up to offer support and does some flirting with Marcus which Gary tries, and fails, to get in on. He’s singing “My Girl,” with the heterosexual lyrics, but that’s probably not offensive what with the flirting with Fat Bob earlier. Maybe? I don’t know any more. He and the backing singers are dressed in Letterman jackets, but the backdrop is kinda Vegas-y. NotNotLouis just has no clue what a unified design theme is, does he (/they)? Ugh, I hate to agree with Toula CONTOSTAVLOU about anything but yes, it was a dull song choice for a semi-final. Especially since the VT teased us with a clip of “For Once In My Life.” Talent shows have forgotten that song exists haven’t they? Probably just as well, they’d only slow it down or something equally egregious. Anyway, Stevie Wonder has already defeated Marcus once so it’s all for the best, or something.

DING DING! ROUND TWO: SONGS THEY THINK WILL GET THEM INTO THE FINAL Which even by X Factor standards is a half-hearted attempt at a theme. Are they saying until now they’ve been doing songs with no particular intention of getting to the next round? Then again, “Mmmbop.” As you were.

HUMBLE MISHA has had a JOURNEY per her VT, before which she was going to college 9 to 5. Her VT mainly shows her performances from early on, when she was still awesome, before she “developed” into something less good. She tells us about how she came off stage and people were waving her arms out to her, then someone with a cattle prod reminds her to be HUMBLE so she pretends to be undeserving of attention. P!nk’s “Fuckin’ Perfect” includes the line “It didn’t slow me down.” The song has, of course, been slowed down. Then it gets to the “The whole world stares while I swallow my fears” bit and Misha can’t decide if she’s singing or rapping that part. Her voice sounds good but this arrangement of the song is an absolute car crash, speeding up and slowing down at random intervals and not working at all. Her hair is a big curly combover covering one side of her face. We go to the judges and suddenly hell freezes over as Gary actually says something right, basically saying Misha is amazeballs but can’t win because of that highly effective bit of sabotage by Toula CONTOSTAVLOU several weeks ago. Kelly LOWLAND basically agrees, using different words to say “you won’t win in a million years but you’ll get a record deal anyway so whatevs.”

MAYBE PINK BLEACHED HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING has also had a JOURNEY which mainly involves her being in the Semi Final because she turned up so late she still had enough novelty factor to get her through. Standing on The Perspex Box Of Not Moving in front of what seems to be an exploding eyeball, Amelia will be singing “I’m With You” and somehow managing to make Advil Latrine sound good in comparison. The Perspex Box Of Not Moving does actually have steps, but Amelia won’t be using them for her performance, standing still with her legs apart will do quite well enough as a performance, ta. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says this is one of her favourite songs. That’s on telly, Toula, you just admitted to liking Advil Latrine. Ha! Gary continues to confuse me by saying vaguely sane things, like that Amelia could do with being able to sing low notes better, and he backhandedly compliments her shouting.

The girls are basically ballast, so it doesn’t matter if they perform in shitty spots both times, but for the two actual competing acts they get to alternate the pimp slot, meaning it’s PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS next. His JOURNEY involves how he used to be a hairdresser (imagine!) working 9 to 5 (again; look if you’re all going to be grumbling about 9 to 5, can someone at least do the Dolly Parton song? Or at the very least Sheena Easton.) Marcus says Gary’s like a father figure to him. Ha! Take that, Barlow, expecting him to fancy you. He thinks you’re his dad. Oh, OK, I was not expecting the song to be “Can You Feel It?” A song, incidentally, that I always associate with my mum exercising in the living room when I was growing up, because that was the first song on the Jane Fonda aerobics tape. We heard it a lot, because she never got as far as the second song. There’s orangey-gold lights and Marcus is lowered onto the stage on a platform. These days this is what counts as a spectacular entrance *sob.* He starts very hesitantly and although the vocals get better as the song goes on, they’re still wobbly overall. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU thinks Marcus is too good to be a hairdresser – I’ll be interested to see what her hair looks like next week when the X Factor’s award-winning stylist gets his hands on her. “No, this totally looks good, honest *snigger*.”

OATIBIX have also had a JOURNEY which involved them being a Frankenband, but they’re such a NATURAL FIT that one of the Geordie ones can’t even remember auditioning as a solo singer, so completely absorbed has been into the Oatibix hivemind. Then they go on about how Jessie J has been behind their success (not perfume marketer Toula CONTOSTAVLOU then) and Jessie commands Lion-O not to cry because, like the rest of us, she’s curious to see what Lion-O’s face looks like when she’s not crying. They’re singing, if that’s the word, Beyoncé’s “If I Were A Boy.” NotNotLouis has styled Lion-O to suggest perhaps she is a boy in a dress. Louis reminds us of his involvement in Girls Aloud’s creation (basically, he was in the room when it happened) while Toula CONTOSTAVLOU outright lies that there’s only one recording contract available in the competition. The judges thought the vocals weren’t perfect, and one of Oatibix says they don’t want to be perfect because there’s still the final to go. So they’re actually going to be perfect next week then? Good luck with that, no pressure.

The camera’s upside down, Dermot’s facing the wrong way, it must be the RESULTS show! He introduces “our” X Factor judges, Louis looking even more befuddled than usual, Toula CONTOSTAVLOU inviting us to SNIFF MY FOREARM! again. We’re reminded that the judges don’t get to save someone this week, so they haven’t changed their minds at the last minute and have finally agreed to let Misha go with dignity. This week, Autotune (feat. the X Factor finalists) will be performing “Hold On.” What did Wilson Phillips ever do to deserve this? Is it because one of them was not a size zero, just like one of Oatibix isn’t a size zero? Amelia Lily’s miming skills are nearly as bad as The Pride of P&O’s were.

Recap, then ad break: Wand Erection are playing Pokemon on the DS. Blond Erection looks at the screen and just goes “woah!” because there’s bright colours and flashing lights. Resentful Erection says “they just keep on coming” and another couple of hundred fanfics get written. Aw, remember last year when Wand Erection were in the final, and I could actually write something about everyone? Like Resentful Erection resenting Curly Erection, Blond Erection getting confused and wandering on and off the stage at inopportune moments and humping the guest act’s leg, Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection being so surplus to requirements that even he knew it, and the gift that keeps on giving known as Olly Erection (the Zaynwreck, the weekly Tuneless Echo, Uncle Simon not knowing or caring what his name was, and the fact that You Would, even though you know it’s wrong.) What have we got to show for ourselves with this year’s highest-placed group? Four women who don’t hate each other DESPITE ALL BEING WOMEN!!!!??!!! and a tendency to burst into tears as a reaction to absolutely everything. *sigh*

After the break, small child Justin Bieber will be miming badly to some XmasTM-themed atrocity. He appears to be singing to someone called “Shorty,” so I hope Dermot’s flattered. Apparently this was pre-recorded weeks ago, which means the judges had their outfits for tonight picked out back whenever that was, just so Bieber could pretend to flirt with Kelly and Toula for all of three seconds. Then there’s another ad calling for auditionees for next year’s show. FUCKING HELL. Why can’t you just let me enjoy the fact that this shitstorm is nearly over for now, without reminding me that it’ll be back? After another break Dermot asks the judges if they’re nervous, Gary says Marcus’s first song was good, his second not as good, but he’s been consistent. Thereby proving that he doesn’t know what “consistent” means. Kelly LOWLAND isn’t among them as she will be up on stage showing the contestants how it’s done. “It” being a hot mess of a medley that starts with Kelly, in voiceover, telling us “I love you UK” (yeah, let’s see how long you stick around the second your contract’s up) and ends with her clomping around in her vest and pants. Louis tells her she “put it down.” Like you would an arthritic dog.

Yetanother break and some timewasting before the formality of Misha leaving. VTs of them all saying they’d like to be in the final thankyouplease. Amelia can’t believe this is happening because she used to imagine it, but it wasn’t real then, because it was a dream and it wasn’t happening, but now it actually is happening because it’s really happening and things that she imagined aren’t real but things that are real actually happen. The members of Oatibix have now been so thoroughly absorbed into the Borg collective that they can no longer imagine functioning as independent human beings. And then they cry, obviously. Through to next week are OATIBIX and PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS. This was in “no particular order” of course, other than the order of “everyone knows that if there is any doubt who's going it’s between the two girls” so they’re left until last. Kelly knows she’s lost an act but it’s not MAYBE PINK BLEACHED HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING so of course the person going home tonight is THE HUSK FORMERLY KNOWN AS MISS MISHA B. Now, there’s expecting to be sent home, and there’s not batting an eyelid because you’ve not only been told the result in advance but have rehearsed it in quite some detail, and have also presumably been told that you’re getting a record deal regardless because you look completely unfussed about the whole thing. Guess which is happening here? As there was no sing-off Misha gets to do a farewell performance, starting with a rap that’s been written specifically for this purpose, and which namechecks Dermot for some reason. Then she goes on to do “Who You Are” again, presumably to piss off Jessie J even further. Obviously she sings it better than Ms J did last week, but the song itself remains a trainwreck.

Next week: The final. At Wembley fucking Arena. Because they don’t fit enough screaming imbeciles into the studio every week already, and they needed more room. Dermot brings on the finalists, because Oatibix have gone a full five minutes without crying onstage. And then tells us that Matt CARDIGAN is on The Xtra Factor next so everyone scrambles to watch the Charlie Brooker thing on Channel 4 instead.
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