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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
Twitter ye not 52: Walk down the street and point at randoms 
17th-Mar-2010 12:24 pm
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After a few weeks when I couldn't think of much to say I was wondering if I was getting bored of Twitter. Then on Thursday the Bush Theatre was overrun with Germans, which led to jokes that were completely new and in no way dodgy. And on Friday I hit the motherlode, as Your Country Needs You, the show to choose this year's Royame Uni Eurovision entry, was on TV. UK Eurovision entries haven't exactly been the pinnacle of music in recent years, so expectations were low. Considering what followed, perhaps they weren't low enough...

Ghosts at the Duchess is closing early, not surprising given the reviews. But do I want a refund or my ticket changed to another date?
1:11 PM Mar 10th via web

And the deaths keep coming - although to be fair, Corey Haim perhaps not the *most* surprising ever...
3:46 PM Mar 10th via web

Saying "have a nice day" at the last minute doesn't stop you being the grumpiest shop assistant ever.
6:32 PM Mar 10th via txt

Had a bit of a panic, thought I'd lost my keys. I'd just put them in a different pocket.
6:03 PM Mar 11th via txt

That was the ultimate "share the most banal thing in the world" tweet, wasn't it? I've now officially bored myself.
6:05 PM Mar 11th via txt

I know this play has a German title but why has the entire German nation turned up for this preview?
7:13 PM Mar 11th via txt

The Bush really should let people queue on the stairs like the Finborough does, this is fracking CHAOS! Chaos with added Germans.
7:25 PM Mar 11th via txt

Blimey there's a lot of pushing. Who knew Germans could be so aggressive? Oh.
7:32 PM Mar 11th via txt

God, that man is Brian from Spaced. Not Mark Heap, I mean he IS the character.
11:42 AM Mar 12th via txt

@helencairns All the famouses go into hibernation after the Oscars.
11:59 AM Mar 12th via web in reply to helencairns

ZOMG the supermarket already has a big display of sunscreens. Dear The Weather, please take note.
3:31 PM Mar 12th via txt

@helencairns Enjoy Ghost Stories! (PS: Boo!)
6:14 PM Mar 12th via web in reply to helencairns

Jesus Christ what is this on my telly? She's awful! Let's send her. #eurovision
8:40 PM Mar 12th via web

Oh, hello Alexis. Well, his singing's better than the girl's *faint praise alert* He's wearing too many clothes though. #eurovision
8:47 PM Mar 12th via web

Struggling to hit the notes in a Steps song. A STEPS SONG! #eurovision
8:52 PM Mar 12th via web

When they say "I was so excited to be chosen," did Waterman just walk down the street and point at randoms? #eurovision
8:57 PM Mar 12th via web

I'm now watching Esma. So, in answer to my last question: Yes. #eurovision
8:58 PM Mar 12th via web

Josh has a girlfriend. And a cravat. These two things don't go together. #eurovision
9:02 PM Mar 12th via web

He's singing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order. #eurovision
9:04 PM Mar 12th via web

"They're going to sing in a way they've never sung before." So they'd never sung badly before? #eurovision
9:08 PM Mar 12th via web

They've turned off her microphone. "Quick, or she might bloody sing again!" #eurovision
9:11 PM Mar 12th via web

MY EARS! MY BEAUTIFUL EARS! #eurovision
9:12 PM Mar 12th via web

It's a toughie but I think Esma and the boys are the least worst #eurovision
9:15 PM Mar 12th via web

Oh, I was right then. Why exactly were there six acts if we couldn't vote for them, apart from just padding out the show obvs? #eurovision
9:20 PM Mar 12th via web

Stock & Waterman reunited! Matt Aitken sitting at home alone wanking and crying. #eurovision
9:22 PM Mar 12th via web

The only one who could sort-of sing is already struggling with this one. Good start. #eurovision
9:25 PM Mar 12th via web

I just *actually* shouted out in pain. Coincidentally, I sounded just like Esma! #eurovision
9:28 PM Mar 12th via web

Oh no, she's fucked up, now the idiots will give her pity-votes. THE HORROR! #eurovision
9:29 PM Mar 12th via web

"They've written an amazing song. But they've given me this one to sing instead." #eurovision
9:31 PM Mar 12th via web

Call me a cynic, but could this have in any way been geared towards Josh winning? It's almost like the song was written for him! #eurovision
9:33 PM Mar 12th via web

"That was Josh's version, and the CDs have already been pressed... er, I mean we don't have any favourites..." #eurovision
9:35 PM Mar 12th via web

@Eurovisiondave "The lines are now open! Well, one of them is."
9:39 PM Mar 12th via web in reply to Eurovisiondave

Before you go voting for Josh, remember: A cravat. A CRAVAT, PEOPLE! #eurovision
9:40 PM Mar 12th via web

"How are things, Sugababes?" "We're having the time of our lives! Being sued!" #eurovision
9:47 PM Mar 12th via web

Ah, Celine Dion in her white army surplus jacket and tutu #eurovision
9:49 PM Mar 12th via web

HOW had I never seen that clip with the American Football helmet before? #eurovision
9:50 PM Mar 12th via web

Fiddling Gareth Gates man is surrounded by bouncy men in wifebeaters. It's definitely NOT homoerotic. #eurovision
9:54 PM Mar 12th via web

Well that was in no way predictable. Even his "OMG I'm so shocked" face is unconvincing. #eurovision
9:57 PM Mar 12th via web

"That Sounds Good To Me." I like that the song title was chosen on the basis of bitter irony. #eurovision
9:59 PM Mar 12th via web

@nick00031 It's a shame nobody seemed to tell Alexis, he seemed to genuinely think it was a competition.
10:06 PM Mar 12th via web in reply to nick00031

@nick00031 Cute Twink #2 will do fine out of this. The phone calls from *certain* websites are already flooding in!
10:08 PM Mar 12th via web in reply to nick00031

James Corden complaining about Jonathan Ross doing a fat joke? Fat jokes = your entire career, Corden.
10:48 PM Mar 12th via web

Someone's sampled Dragostea Din Tei? More to the point, it took this long?
10:30 AM Mar 13th via txt

@lares09 Some rapper. No idea who, it was playing at the gym. (They also had some woman singing English lyrics to it. So. Much. Wrongness.)
10:54 AM Mar 13th via web in reply to lares09

Doctor Who 5.1 is going to be 60 minutes long, new TARDIS interior not revealed until the very end *iz impatient*
11:47 AM Mar 13th via web

Oh FFS public display of affection couple. Just give him a hand shandy & get it over with.
5:48 PM Mar 13th via txt

Hardcore Bourne #bournesequels
4:04 PM Mar 14th via web

Bourne Cocktail #bournesequels
4:06 PM Mar 14th via web

Benny, Bourne, Frida and Agnetha #bournesequels
4:19 PM Mar 14th via web

Quiff? Looks like someone's done an ill-advised remake: There's Something About Gary Lucy #doi
7:18 PM Mar 14th via web

"The Formula 1 of skating" hahahahahahahahahahahahaha #doi
8:00 PM Mar 14th via web

Then again, does he mean "car crash television?" #doi
8:01 PM Mar 14th via web

So is scarf-wearing weather over then? I know I should cast ne'er a clout, but May won't be out for AGES yet.
11:56 AM Mar 15th via web

@nick00031 Oh I couldn't do the cravat - they're FAR too heterosexual. Apparently.
3:42 PM Mar 15th via web in reply to nick00031

What? I'm at the Royal Court & NONE of the Posh cast are hanging around looking pretty? I call Shenanigans!
7:01 PM Mar 15th via txt

Lesbian #1, please stop sniffing Lesbian #2's foofoo in public. I'm sure any straight men present are enjoying it, me not so much.
9:56 PM Mar 15th via txt

RT @helencairns Moir, Jan - Harridan #newrhymingslang
2:34 PM Mar 16th via web

Nice to be reminded what a blue sky looks like! (Turns out it looks blue.)
3:19 PM Mar 16th via txt

Oh, "shirt service." I thought the dry cleaner's sign said "shit service." Honesty and all that.
7:17 PM Mar 16th via txt

@sutty76 @helencairns http://www.twitpic.com/190heu
10:36 PM Mar 16th via web
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