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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
The Hate Factor 
5th-Oct-2010 01:44 pm
Tomorrow night The Apprentice returns, and Merlin is only a third of the way through, so I've got enough TV shows to be reviewing at the moment. So although I've finally been sucked into The X Factor I won't be doing regular weekly posts on that as well - besides, there's more than enough, much better blogs dedicated to ripping the piss out of that show. I'd recommend The Bitch Factor, courtesy of some of the lowculture bods, which has so much detail about every episode that you can actually skip watching it entirely and just go straight to the jokes. Which is surely the best of all possible worlds.

Still, I'm sure as the series goes on I'll be mentioning it. There's no way we'll have a gift to car-crash YouTubes to match last year's Jedward hilarity (although I've got my fingers crossed Nicolò will provide some much-needed light relief) but considering the 12 we've ended up with, there should be something pretty appalling about to happen. So here's my thoughts on the Final 12. Well, I say Final 12 - we know that the Mystery!Twist! will be at least one wildcard contestant, or possibly 4 wildcards, with a 5th judge taking on a reject from each group. But these are the people who we know are through so far:

Let's get the most offensive group out of the way first, eh? I can't help but be amused by the fact that given 8 girls for 3 available places, Cheryl gave two of them to the only two white girls, despite the fact that neither of them actually managed to get to the end of her song. Oh Cheryl, all these years of good work convincing everyone you is not racist innit, and suddenly everyone's remembered that little insignificant moment of punching a toilet attendant. Most of the rumours suggest TreyC will be this category's wildcard (and how can you not love someone who spells "Tracy" like that?) but in terms of the show's IN NO WAY MANIPULATED STORYLINE Gamu, cast aside in favour of Hatey, would make a lot more sense as an underdog and vote-magnet. Still, not being mentored by Cheryl at least means Gamu can eat a lollipop without fear of what might happen if her mentor takes a fancy to it.

HATEY: So many options for nicknames for Katie Waissel/Katie Vogel/Lola Fontaine or whatever she's calling herself this week. Katie Weasel is a popular one, Katie Legacy was always a possibility, but I have to side with Hatey, because she really is the most hateful person even on this show. She's so false I actually have a physical reaction to her, and if the auditions are anything to go by she'll never even manage to finish a song, but will probably somehow get the judges' vote if she's in the Bottom 2, for reasons in no way connected to her extensive list of contacts. Has fucked both Michael Sophocles and James "rhyming slang" Blunt, and I still don't think she's suffered enough. Is also unlikely to provide any form of entertainment in her performances, at least until the moment when a red laser dot mysteriously appears on her forehead when an audience member has finally had enough.

CHER: Clearly should be under mental health supervision rather than on prime time TV. Looks like a porcelain doll that comes to life in a horror film. Would be a prime contender to provide laughs when things go disastrously wrong on the live shows, except that watching someone die of malnutrition isn't actually funny. Putting her in the Final 12 is approaching Big Brother levels of manipulating the mentally ill.

REBECCA: My main impression from the shows so far have been of her being whiny to camera but as far as singing ability goes surely she should be the girl who goes the furthest.

Should have been an unusually strong group of Over-25s this year, with a number of contenders between the ages of 25 and 28 - Matt and TreyC would have been shoo-ins for this category. But it had obviously already been decided Louis would get this group, so the decent ones were siphoned off to the younger boy/girl groups, the category changed to Over-28s and Louis was left with a load of characters who were rejected from Little Britain for being too broad and unrealistic.

JOHN: Who? Has barely featured in the show so far, so is clearly meant to be cannon fodder for week 1 or 2.

STORM: Has been made over into Sharon Osbourne. This is the only interesting thing that has, or ever will happen in relation to Storm. Surely another early casualty, he's too haggard-looking to get votes from menopausal women who develop a weird crush.

MARY (SPONSORED BY TESCO): The resident SuBo, made over to look like Dawn French. Which is undoubtedly an upgrade in anyone's book, but odd just the same. Apart from the mentions of Tesco in every sentence (who just happen to be exclusively stocking the official X Factor magazine) impossible to be too sympathetic about, what with the whole "I have never, ever, had any confidence in my singing until now. Well, not since the other year when I won an Irish TV talent show" thing.

Five original groups were taken to judges' houses for Simon, and Sinitta with a Fox's Glacier Mint stuck to her forehead, to send home again in favour of the two groups Simon had manufactured, plus the one NotLouis had manufactured.

FYD: AKA NotLouis' boyband. They haven't really registered with me to be honest. And I must have missed the bit where they explained what FYD stands for, so I'm assuming it means Fuck Your Donkey. I predict they'll last only marginally longer than...

BELLE AMIE: Or Bel Ami as everyone is of course going to spell it. Apart from being named after gay porn there's not really much to distinguish them, and no point in trying really - since it's in the rules that the gods of X Factor demand one girlband be sacrificed in the first week. Or they might just make it to week 2 if John goes first.

ONE DIRECTION: Henceforth to be known as Wand Erection. Although to look at them, the name Bel Ami would have been just as appropriate for them. Pretty obviously groomed to be this year's winners - a group's never won before, and it's been a couple of years since Simon won so surely there's going to be a big push here. Their makeover seems to have involved them all being given Princess Diana hair, which I'm not sure is a step in the right direction. Seem to be guaranteed finalists though.

My favourite category, albeit by a process of elimination. I know it's not nice to enjoy watching a 16-year-old boy's dreams get crushed but in Tom's case it was quite fun. Ever since his first audition when he was told he'd be good in musicals, only for him to throw a tantrum and say it was pop star or nothing, it was clear he was only in this for the money (as if anyone other than Simon gets to see any of that.) Then he got to Australia and went on about how this was what it was all about, having a place like this. All the time ranting about how shit Wales was, so I'm sure he will have got a warm welcome when he went back there after getting axed. The people who did get in were...

AIDEN: He's called Aiden Grimshaw, he has hair a bit like Nick Grimshaw, so likeability isn't really going to be his strong point. In his auditions he actually came across very much like a clone of last year's winner, which you'd think would stand him well. But (and I don't know what their actual respective heights are) he certainly doesn't come across as small and helpless as MaLiddleJoe, and lacks his charm, so will probably fail to grab the granny vote and be out fairly early on.

MATT THE RUBBISH DECORATOR: Is probably the only one who can take this from Wand Erection, although what kind of career he'd have after that doesn't look too good. After the makeovers he apppeared to have a weird square face, which might explain why he wouldn't take that baseball cap off. And finally...

NICOLÒ: Is currently my favourite, mainly because he's the only one not taking everything deadly seriously, and therefore the only one likely to provide any actual entertainment in the coming weeks. Plus his Twitter feed is bizarre and hilarious. Best case scenario, if NotLouis really pulls out the stops with him, Nicolò could be like a Jedward who can actually sing a bit. But I think it's likely most of the viewers won't quite "get" him, take his arrogance at face value and he'll only make it about halfway at best. A shame since you can literally see his tongue in his cheek half the time (that's literally as in "literally," not literally as in "whatever the hell Simon Cowell means when he says literally.") Unlike Hatey whose cold dead eyes stare into the camera and tell us she genuinely wants to be a legend, a legacy, Legolas from Lord of the Rings and other words beginning with "leg." I do think it's a bit embarassing though that on a British show we have to rely on an Italian to provide the only shred of irony.

And that, pending wildcard announcements, is how I see this year's X Factor going dahn. My lowculture sweepstake will be whoever performs 3rd on Saturday's show - knowing my luck it'll probably be bloody Hatey. Now excuse me, this went on longer than I expected, and I need to go to the supermarket. NO, MARY, NOT TESCO! FFS.
7th-Oct-2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
Oh you so have to do this every week.
8th-Oct-2010 06:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks, although I'm not sure I'll find something new to write about every week. Plus your comment is the first indication I've had that anyone is even bothering to read these things LOL.
(Deleted comment)
9th-Dec-2010 04:44 pm (UTC)
Certainly with them constantly voting to keep Hatey in but they took it even further than I'd expected.
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