OK, so by request of murraynz
I'm going to try and do a quick X Factor
recap every week, although I'm going to keep it short because this now makes three TV shows I'm reviewing every week. OH BLOODY HELL, SARAH JANE
STARTS AGAIN THIS WEEK DOESN'T IT? That'll make it four then... Could people at least let me know if they're reading/liking these reviews? The silence around here is as defening as after that joke of Louis' about working with three divas. Ta. Anyway, as I made it clear last week Nicolò was my main hope for providing some entertainment during the series so you can imagine how last night's result went down with me. Although, despite the huge amount of internet support, in a way it's not surprising. I mentioned last week that Nicolò was the only hint of irony in the show, so by the time the elimination show came around I was already suspecting that the only people who would "get" him are the ones watching the show ironically and deconstructing the fakeness of it all. (Hang on, Hatey just heard the word "fake" and turned up. Not you, Hatey. Not yet.) So by extension anyone who liked Nicolò wouldn't be seen dead actually voting and giving money to SyCo.
So the theme this week was "Number Ones from anywhere around the world except New Zealand" or something, and obviously as soon as the theme's announced everyone at home does jokes about it being more like a load of Number Twos, before having seen how accurate this will turn out to be. Seriously, if I don't mention that somebody was completely out of tune, assume they were, because people actually hitting the right notes were the exception rather than the rule. We've also got the surprise of the wildcards, which is neither a surprise, nor are they wildcards - they're just an extra contestant per category, rather hastily got over with right at the start as if they've realised what a non-twist it is. Dannii and Cheryl have used theirs to graciously allow some black people into their categories; Simon has gone for adding a comedy act; I'd say Louis has done the same thing except his category entirely consists of comedy acts already.FUCK YOUR DONKEY
are up first and they're doing that godawful "Billionaire" song so already I don't give a shit. In common with most people, they seem to be unsure whether to sing "Billionaire" or "Millionaire" so do a bit of each. They also swap the line "Oprah and the Queen" to "Simon and the Queen," to which Simon at least doesn't pretend to be surprised that an act paid him a sort-of compliment at his own instruction. Instead he just looks smug at Louis.MATT THE RUBBISH DECORATOR
next, which is very early for someone I thought they were going to plug hugely. He's doing "When Love Takes Over," which samples Coldplay's "Clocks," and it does sound more like "Clocks" than the song he's actually meant to be doing. His hat's back, so maybe the stylists read my comments last week. I think this is his actual decorator's hat - you can tell because it doesn't have any paint-splatters on it, BECAUSE HE NEVER DID ANY ACTUAL DECORATING!JOHN WHO?
is third, which means he's my lowculture
sweepy. Frankly I'm amazed he's got me as far as the second week. He sings "One Sweet Day" which starts this whole argument between Simon and Louis about whether New Zealand is a real country in the world. Anyway apparently it was
also a #1
in the USA, which is a country Simon definitely thinks exists, whatever the cue card says, so fuck off Simon. Cheryl says John hasn't put his stamp on the competition yet, which is definitely his fault as apparently he must be the show's editor who's cut him out of every round until this one. Anyway, John could have opted to make himself stand out by singing some of the correct notes, but he's opted not to.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
is first of the girls. She starts "Teardrops" disastrously, but sort of picks up when she gets going, and then fudges a couple of big notes at the end. Simon complains about the fact that the show's pigeonholed her as a sob story, as if he's not the bloody producer of a show that trades on sob stories. Cheryl patronises her by saying she loves Scousers (but couldn't eat a whole one.)
Right back to the overs and STORM
, dressed as the Jim Carrey version of the Riddler, surrounded by dancers with condoms stretched over their heads. In his opening VT (where he's yet more Scottish than before) he goes on about a scary move where he has to fall backwards off a platform, so raising expectation for what inevitably turns out to be a really lame move. This is clearly meant to be the big rock moment, which is a bit hilarious considering the song is Starship's "We Built This City." By the way Storm is only two years older than me - it's not often I think "wow, I look good" but wow, I look good. I must at least be doing something right with my skincare.BEL AMI
are doing that "Airplanes" song. The trouble with using songs currently on the radio is that people remember what they're supposed
to sound like, i.e. not like this.CHER LLOYD
is next. You know when Cheryl said "You're right oop ma street?" Considering Cher has styled herself as a Cheryl Cole voodoo doll, complete with the same tattoos on her hands, and is basically a stalker, do you think maybe Cheryl literally
meant Cher was right up her street, hiding in the bushes, rooting around the bins etc? Anyway, she's doing the Professor Green version of "Just Be Good To Me," which I'm pretty sure isn't the version that went to #1
. Her singing is atrocious of course, but given the general freakshow that this contestant is that seems to be the least of our worries. She has a climbing frame on stage, possibly to hold on to if she starts to feel a bit weak from not having eaten since that Polo mint last Tuesday.DIVA FEVER
are the first wild card, singing "Sunny." Well, one of them is anyway. They're being a couple of big orange gays, which is basically all they've ever claimed to be, so that's fine. They have a terrifying costume change into shiny hotpants halfway through, and this seems to be going a bit wrong behind the sheet that the dancers are holding up. The words "Oompa Loompa" mysteriously go to the top of Twitter's trending topics during their performance. Cheryl, who has herself been bathing in fake tan, compares them to Mister Motivator. And seriously, this is the youngest, most "current" of the judges, and her frame of reference is Mister Motivator. Why not go the whole hog and call them the Green Goddess?PAIJE
inexplicably changes the gender in "Killing Me Softly." The other abuses he commits upon the song are presumably not deliberate though.HATEY
is pretending to play keyboards and attempting to sing "We Are The Champions." It's by her favourite artist, don'tcha know, Freddie Mercury, which is why she didn't know the lines before. For all I know they could be up on autocue in front of her. There's a lot of bullshit about "the real Hatey" which is rather silly since the whole point of Hatey is that there isn't
a real Hatey, just a corporate husk. This week, the "real" Hatey is Lady Gaga appearing in Tron
. At least Louis makes some attempt at mentioning this elephant in the room.MARY (SPONSORED BY TESCO)
is this year's mandatory "OMG I got tonsilitis in the first week." Fair play, her "Man's World" is pretty shouty but one of the better performances of the night. Her Dawn French makeover from the credits was better than this week's Pat Butcher effort though.
Alas, poor NICOLÒ
. NotLouis has tried to make him into Lord Gaga for "Just Dance" and it's OK but nothing more. Admittedly his singing isn't great but if that's not going to be a problem for the rest of the acts I don't see why he should be singled out. He looks very nervous and uncomfortable afterwards, and not too thrilled when everyone keeps calling him a "Diva." Isn't that an Italian word anyway? In which case maybe people should be more careful bandying it around at an actual Italian, especially when he consistently looks offended by it. I mean let's face it, Nicolò's rather camp so it wouldn't be a big surprise if he batted for our team, in which case making constant reference to it isn't exactly friendly. Especially when, as already established, the word "Diva" on this show is being used to mean "big orange gays." Elsewhere, Dermot tells Cheryl that she of all people should know about look and performance being more important than singing, which I would take as a deliberate burn if I thought Dermot was bright enough.WAND ERECTION
next, who I'd want to call Bieber Fever if there wasn't already a better nickname for them. So accurate is their Bieber makeover that they all look like lesbians. After his TOTALLY UNSCRIPTED "ooh, I don't dance" moment at Boot Camp, it seems Zein's continuing role in the group is to provide false jeopardy, as he VTs that he fucked up in rehearsals and hopes he doesn't this time. Don't worry Zein! If you fucked up on the live show nobody noticed, due to the whole band being equally shit. Harry does some hilariously aggressive shoulder action to "Viva La Vida" (should I take it Coldplay are on Sony BMG? 'Cause they're doing quite well out of tonight) and Liam has been sidelined a bit, which he won't be pleased about since he was meant
to be The Main One. I haven't yet worked out what the other two are called so for now they're Miniature Nicholas Hoult and The Blond One; but I know I'm going to know all their names very soon because the little fuckers are going to be everywhere. I'd like to say the right mess of this performance should affect their chances, but I know it bloody won't. To confirm that Harry has now ousted Liam as The Main One, Dermot only talks to him after the judges' comments. And seriously, how incoherent must the other five be if this
is the spokesman?WAGNER
is the next wildcard, he does a medley of "She Bangs" and "Love Shack" and has basically been designated as this year's Jedward. There's some demented bongo playing so I suppose he'll do, but we'll need something even more cracktastic if he's going to live up to last year. Then the judges insist on pronouncing Wagner's name wrong - including his mentor.
And speaking of cracktastic, my instinct for AIDEN
was that he'd be a mid-series casualty but maybe the producers see things differently as they've given him a pretty plum, second-to-last (aka thank fuck it's almost over) slot. Plus he's always very high on Twitter's trending topics. He does the Donnie Darko
version of "Mad World" and it's one of the most bizarre performances all night. The vocal's a bit wobbly but in a way that sounds deliberate, but he appears to be wearing a straitjacket and his facial expression is somewhere between pain, fury, terror and trying to do a really tricky poo. Simon pretty much gives away how this show works but babbling some stuff about Robert Pattinson and Twilight
so we know who he's thinking of marketing this one to.TREYC
gets the final slot, and is automatically the best person ever by basically calling Katie and Cher bitches in her VT. Cheryl calls her "last but by no means least" which is fucking rich because she turned her down in the first place, so by that means least. She does "One" and her vocal is ridiculously better than everyone else's. It makes the whole "kicking her out then bringing in a wilcard" thing look totally contrived in her favour, except why did they edit last week's show in a way that made Gamu the underdog instead of TreyC? Silly editors, can't even get the most painfully obvious manipulation on TV right. Simon wants to know why she was overlooked before, and I don't know Simon, she was in your category last year so you're the one who bloody overlooked her.
OK, so the results show, and the signal on ITV was playing up a lot last night on my TV. It completely went for MaLiddleJoe's triumphant return, but I'm told he did well and looked a lot more confident. Then we got the bottom 3, and Nicolò getting booted for reasons that I went into earlier. And I don't know why people are so keen to have Simon as their mentor - he may run the show but he so blatantly doesn't give a shit about his acts. Witness him grudgingly saving Fuck Your Donkey because they're his own act, and in the process implicitly telling the other judges to save Hatey. Which they did. What with the campness of both Nicolò and Fuck Your Donkey I would say we could accuse the show of being homophobic in getting rid of them first, but obviously this year we're too busy calling them racist. Christ, I hope there's a lot more double eliminations on the way. And this was me trying to keep things short!