Last week! Nicolò had the least votes, so had to go home *sadface.* However in the last week I heard that contestants still in The X Factor
have been banned from using Twitter. Considering Nicolò's first post-elimination tweet involved comparing himself to Jesus, his leaving the show may be for the best, because clearly the world needs his Twitter feed
. Fuck Your Donkey also left, but whatever. This week! It's "musical heroes" week for three of the categories, and for the groups it's "whatever Simon feels like" week, as usual! Louis says something about "if you enjoyed it last week, wait till you see tonight." But what if you thought last week was a seven-hour-long marathon of plop, Louis? What then? He can't hear me.
Overall themes for tonight: In no way reminding us that you can download this shit on iTunes, every other song "will be Number One on Sunday!" That's a lot of Number Ones! Especially since they're not actually chart eligible. Also, all the acts, especially Cheryl's, have no confidence
, which is definitely a trait you'll find in people who apply to sing on national telly. Especially now that even the very first audition is in front of a stadiumful of people. That's just the ideal way to find wallflowers who don't believe in their own ability. Or maybe the girls have no confidence because their mentor continues to be the Queen of
Boos. Really, if things go on like this they'll have to replace her next year with someone more popular, like Robert Mugabe. Or, worse, Sting. OK, now I wish Sting had actually been a judge this year, because I'd have liked to see him telling Storm he's got a stupid name.STORM
was sacrificed to the first performance slot. I don't watch Strictly
but apparently it was still on at this point, so people who watch both shows will have completely missed Storm's performance, so no wonder he got the least votes in the end. And, er, what a performance it is. He sings "Born To Run" and starts off on a completely stationery motorbike. The danger! Every time he sings the line about "tramps like us" I take it very literally, I can really see him with a dog on a piece of string, selling The Big Issue
. He's probably doing that now, since he'll have done the This Morning
interview and ITV will have no further use for him.TREYC
does "Purple Rain." Twitter is entirely overrun with comments about Ruth Lorenzo, but I wasn't watching X Factor
that year so I have no point of reference and think TreyC is good. I mean, at least she isn't BISEXUAL Danyl.
During the week, the producers told PAIJE
they don't normally allow people as fat as him on ITV unless it's on Jeremy Kyle
, so if he insists on being so disgustingly obese the least he can do is go on a treadmill so we can all laugh at him wobbling. For the broadcast, they subtly rephrase this to be about his breathing when he sings. I don't know, breathing issues never seemed to stop Lemar from doing well (don't get me wrong, I've briefly met Lemar and he seemed like a nice guy, but I can always recognise his songs on the radio from how he huffs and puffs and blows your house down.) Anyway, Paije does an Alicia Keys song and hits a few of the right notes, so a big improvement on last week. Simon hates the choreography behind Paije, and thinks this is Dannii's fault as his mentor. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. On Twitter, Helen points out how much he looks like Tracy Chapman, and I can't believe how long it's taken us to notice this. It's uncanny
. Right down to the little 'tache.WAND ERECTION
do "My Life Would Suck Without You." Wow, one of Simon's acts doing a song that's been on Glee
, imagine that. Especially since it's the act in no way
named after Glee
's Nude Erections. They sing the song and they're not good, obviously, but considering that at the moment literally
¹ every thread on FMForums
is about Wand Erection, I doubt this will matter. Obviously I'm being hypocritical here, because I think Zain is ridiculously pretty and in a couple of years will be gorgeous. But then he'd really, really have to be, because as we remember from Boot Camp, Zain Doesn't Dance, and as tonight's performance shows he really, really shouldn't sing either. Anyway this week Liam has come as Newt from Hollyoaks
- in fact instead of learning Miniature Nicholas Hoult and The Blond One's names, I might just forget Liam's instead and call him Newt. I quite like The Blond One this week - while all the others are making a doomed attempt to look cool, he just bounces around going "I'm on telly, I'm on telly!" Simon tells them they're the most exciting pop band in the country and you can tell how young and naïve they are because they take this at face value.CHER LLOYD
does the Jay-Z version of "It's a Hard-Knock Life" and for some reason she gets the credit for adding a song from Annie
to a rap, as if Jay-Z hadn't done that for her. Everything else is as per - can't sing, raps instead, looks like a creepy doll, gets told she's the second coming, etc.JOHN
is my sweepy and I still managed to forget he existed. Even while he's singing I'm starting to forget him again, he's like the human version of the fading photgraph from Back to the Future
. Actually he's got one of the best voices on the show so surely something can be done, but at the moment he's got zero presence.DIVA FEVER
in their last performance on the show, as it turns out. Again maybe it's for the best, because in the VT Ugly Diva has a bad throat and puts his head over a bowl of steam, and Pretty Diva snarks about it doing his skin some good as well. If they'd lasted much longer they'd have been Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
ing all over the place. They sing that new dance song that samples Boney M and has people saying "Barbra Streisand" every so often, so who's their musical hero? Boney M, Barbra, or some random dance act? Whatever, it's fun, although it's clear why Ugly Diva wasn't allowed to sing last week. Dannii adds this to her Christmas Party list, and since it'll now only have two songs on it she'll either be having a very short party, or the CD's going to be on repeat rather a lot. Diva Fever also have a big distracting dance routine behind them, involving dancers in speedos (hello!) but this is one of Simon's acts so anything wrong with this is completely NotLouis's fault, and nothing to do with Simon.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
sings "Feeling Good." Seriously, the fact that she's from Liverpool gets namechecked so many times before and after her performance, it's pushed all other information about her out of my head.
I thought the Bryan Ferry version of "Jealous Guy" was as scary as it could get but I was wrong, because THE VAMPIRE GRIMSHAW
is up next. It's basically the same creepy serial killer performance as last week, except that was apparently amazing, and this apparently isn't. Aiden isn't wearing a straitjacket this time, but that's just scarier 'cause he's on the loose now *shudder.*VOGNER
does "Help Yourself." He is Tony Ferrino. You've probably seen this already but look at it again - it's more entertaining than the actual show, anyway.
This week, the real HATEY
is a troll doll whining an Etta James song. Maybe this is what the Real Hatey was like when the Real Hatey was called Lola Fontaine? Anyway she's drawn something that looks like tears under her eyes with makeup, to fool people into thinking she's capable of normal human emotions. Some fool must buy into this, 'cause she isn't in the bottom 3. Or, she spent all week clearing out Carphone Warehouse of PAYG phones, and all weekend texting. (Steve on Twitter suggested she got one vote for each of her personalities, which is scary because if true she's definitely
going to win - her personalities outnumber everyone else in the UK.)
I've decided calling Belle Amie "Bel Ami" is smutty and childish, so I'm going to give them a new nickname. BELLE END
it is. Yeah, I'm basically too busy laughing at my own joke there to notice anything about their performance, except one of them has lost her hairbrush.MARY (SPONSORED BY TESCO)
is still styled as Pat Butcher. Actually everything is exactly as it was last week, for all I know she has a separate stage of her own and she's been standing there all week waiting to perform. She does "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" and I get a bit critical about Dusty songs, but I guess it could be worse - Dusty doesn't rise from the grave and throttle her, anyway.MATT THE RUBBISH DECORATOR
sings "Just the Way You Are" because Bruno Mars is definitely
his lifelong musical hero. Maybe the term extends to "something I heard on the radio once when I was meant to be decorating but was actually masturbating instead." In his VT he's worried about hitting the High C, but it's fine because he misses so many other notes that I'm sure nobody noticed if he missed that one. He's taken his hat off. He shouldn't have.
Sunday! Results! The autotunetastic group song is "Telephone," and John looks like an entirely different person doing something A Bit Modern so maybe Louis is as much to blame as anyone for his current invisibility. Wand Erection bounce around and they really should have gone for a pee before the show started. Cher is dressed as a 1980s racist, and Professional Scouser Rebecca has a bow in her hair so big it must be giving her neck strain. Guest performances: I never saw the series that Diana Knickers was in so I don't join in when everyone on Twitter seems horrified that she still exists - my preconceptions of her come from Little Voice
, which I liked her in. I even like the utter bonkersness of her song, so there. Anyway, she's better than second guest Katy Perry, who makes the terrible mistake of singing without autotune. Seriously, she was a guest judge, this woman
got to judge other people's singing ability. Unbelievable.
Bottom 3! Storm, Diva Fever, Belle End. Storm has the least votes, obviously, so off he goes, and lies that we haven't seen the last of him. Diva Fever sing "I Will Survive," obviously. Only they won't. Belle End will instead - they sing "Big Girls Don't Cry," and they must be little girls because they all cry. Maybe their being in the sing-off will make me remember who they are in future, but don't bet on it. Diva Fever go unanimously, and Simon looks as bothered about losing a second act as any man whose category is called "Wand Erection + Ballast" could ever look. Then Diva Fever totally call Simon out on what a shit mentor he's been. Heh. THE END! Next week, we're finally down to the amount of contestants we were meant to have right from the start. Still too many for sanity, mind.
¹that's "literally" as defined by the official X Factor
dictionary, which says:literally adv
: Not literally.