Week 3 of The Appprentice
and it's the Food Task. Wasn't that week 1 with the sausages? Oh well, it's the other
Food Task. This one involves baking.
Alex wins the race to the phone this week. Oddly, he is fully dressed in his suit, despite everyone else being shown still in bed. Dodgy editing? On The Apprentice
? Whatever next? Anyway it's just as well Alex is fully clothed because I don't think I could handle him doing an Ambrose. Jamie's got his shirt off this week but he's under the covers so it's all completely pointless and I despair, honestly you'd think these people hadn't figured out that Answering Phone Every Week + Tiny Pair of Green Pants = "You're Hired."
They're going to Fortnum and Mason, and Ballbaggs tries to make a joke about creating a speaking hamper, and oh I see, it's going to be another one of those weeks where Ballbaggs is allowed to speak. Remember last week when he was invisible? Oh happy days. Actually it's not hampers they'll be doing, it's breads and pastries, and LdAlan does a joke about turning flour into serious dough. It's only episode three, and these are some of the finest arselickers in the country, but even they can't bring themselves to pretend to find this funny. I can't tell which of the girls it is, but one of them tries to do a laugh, which sounds like it's causing her physical pain. It's time to "mix things up a bit" just like it will be every week from now on, and after the team reshuffle Gok Wan beats Jamie in a vote to be Synergy's PM. Apollo 13 only have Dr Shibbby volunteering to run them, but the others have a vote anyway, to make themselves feel like they're taking part. The teams try to work out what they're meant to be doing, and for once the editing makes some attempt at a mislead over who'll win: Apollo 13 are seen getting on with it, while Gok Wan faffs about refusing to decide on anything, and we even get the "wah-wah-wah-waaaaaah" music. Jamie says "let's role-play!" and maybe later Jamie, not here. Somewhere along the line Synergy have started calling themselves "Le Pain Artisan" and I LOL. Then they have a disastrous pitching meeting with a hotel, where they get asked how much and how many, and Gok gets her abacus out and has a panic. The hoteliers offer them the chance to take a minute outside and work out their figures, which apparently Team Synergy use to try and escape. 15 minutes later, they get hunted down and asked again how much a bread roll costs. Gok says £1.82 per roll. Don't fall over in shock but they don't get this commission.
Apollo 13 do though! At 6p per roll! Dr Shibby's policy of accepting any offer, no matter how outrageous, results in them taking an offer for 1000 rolls and a load of muffins And That. Dr Shibby makes a comment about Paloma and Snakeeyes being "Shibby's Angels" and I'm sick in my mouth a bit. When they call the rest of the team at the bakery, the phone is answered by a panda calling herself Sandeesh, who moans that 1000 rolls is a lot, but as far as I can tell at this point she's told that they have to make them. This will become important later. Meanwhile Ballbaggs want to pitch because he's "an amazing pitcher" and seriously Ballbaggs, just don't say words. At Shibby's next pitch meeting he actually does something sensible, i.e. turns down an order they can't possibly fulfil, but unfortunately he does this in the most cack-handed, embarrassing way conceivable. Worse, when they get back to the bakery it turns out Panda & co have made no attempt whatsoever to bake the other order, waiting until the rest come back so they can go "what? Us? You mean when you said we had to bake 1000 rolls you meant we had to bake 1000 rolls? Confusing!" I'm a bit confused as well to be honest because Karren repeatedly says she's seen bad communication so maybe the edit has been dodgy, but the way I saw it, Dr Shibby told Panda they had to make a load of rolls, and Panda responded by saying that was, like, really hard, so they weren't going to bother, and blame someone else when it all went tits up. Over on the other team, Nick is actually being complimentary about people, and that sound you can hear is cracking ice in the lakes of fire and brimstone.
Next morning! Team Shibby haven't made 1000 bread rolls. They've made 16, which is less. They end up pissing off hotel man and offering him compensation. Gok Wan's sold her bread roll order to a cafe chain, but they're turning down the muffins 'cause they've got glacé cherries on them, which are cheap and nasty. It's only when he mentions it that I realise I haven't seen glacé cherries in donkey's years, and good riddance - if you're going to go around being fruit, you should at least be good for me, FFS. Then they all get their market stalls and have to sell to passers-by, and this apparently involves Gok giving someone instructions to the toilet in French. They're not even French. Would you like Chris' muffins? Well maybe, he's not being as cunty this week and I'm notoriously fickle.
that kohl around Panda's eyes or is she just tired? She looks barely conscious when she's allegedly selling muffins in Islington, but let's hope nobody mentions this to her or she'll glare at them and look outraged - doing fuck all and then acting offended if you notice is clearly Sandeesh's "thing." Somewhere else Alex is trying to win an argument with Gok by telling her how many A*s he got in his GCSEs SO THERE. Paloma's sales pitch is "You will not get these muffins anywhere else!" Which is true, because other places have standards. After just about giving away some of their tat Gok says what is becoming this year's catchphrase in these situations: "Smashed it!" Then it's all over, and the camera goes to some pigeons pecking at a nasty-looking muffin in the street, and I actually LOL. In fact I would say I cackled at this point.
Despite Gok's existence, Synergy done won, and they're going to get a treat; LdAlan goes all around the houses trying not to actually say that this involves them getting bellydanced at. Not very on-theme with the baking, but there we are. Ballbaggs has never seen a woman before and gets all excited. Jamie does a piece to camera about how it's all Gok's fault they lost the task, she should be the one to be fired, oh wait they won didn't they? Disregard, he'll go and grudgingly congratulate her instead. Wow he's a cunt. I still would though. A lot. Don't judge me, some of us can't afford to be picky. Apollo 13 are at loser cafe, which has muffins. MUFFINS OF IRONY! Back to the boardroom and wow, Karren does butt in a lot doesn't she? Bladdy woman. This week her one moment of allowing her face to move involves doing an impression of Shibby sulking. Shibby proceeds to blatantly talk himself into a firing, and Nick calls him floppy. I'd like to know how he knows that. Paloma and Panda get taken into the firing line and once again it's just a bladdy catfight. Panda tries the godawaful, but invariably successful "make me PM next week and you'll see" line, and LdAlan looks at her REZ-YOOOO-MAY. Oh good, I thought we'd have to wait until the interviews before we heard him say REZ-YOOOO-MAY. Apparently her goals include World Domination. I know Shibby was a car crash but I still think this woman deserves a firing ahead of him. But of course she'll get to be PM (but only when LdAlan's good and ready) and Shibby gets fired, and is the third in a row to go out without thanking LdAlan for the opportunity. Rude fuckers this year.
Next week: Buy some rubbish and then sell it! Not on the shopping channel though, unfortunately.