Last week! I was out of the LC sweepstake! I didn't even realise I was still in it! This week! The theme is "songs previously sung by a man or a woman!" Or "Halloween" as they're laughably calling it! There will be spooky costumes, from those contestants who can be arsed! And Dermot will "accidentally" call Katie a cunt!
This week's sacrificial offering to the gods of X Factor
(although once again surviving) is MARY (SPONSORED BY TESCO)
singing "Could It Be Magic." Yeah, and this is one of the more
"on-theme" song choices. She's wearing a pair of devil horns but otherwise it's her usual black frock, sleeveless but with some sort of see-through bits in a (failed) attempt to cover her bingo wings. She's been criticised before for just standing there while belting the song out, so now she walks to one side and then back again, while belting the song out. And it's nearly November so, like everyone else, she's wearing a poppy. Now, I respect what this symbolises and think it's nice when people choose to wear them, but when, on TV, everyone is clearly being made
to wear them it loses all its meaning (who was it that had a big strop about this a couple of years ago? Whatever, I agree.) It's especially ludicrous here as (for some of the contestants at least) this is a big night of silly dress-up, so "ooh look at us, we're zombies, mwahahahahaha PS REMEMBER THE WAR DEAD!" just shows up what a load of cynical box-ticking this is. Oh right, Mary. Well, she's Mary, but now with added walking to the side a bit and then back again. Dannii curses her with the "Halloween disco party," a gig which is presumably available because Diva Fever are busy putting the Christmas one together.
The act I now most look forward to every week is THE VAMPIRE GRIMSHAW
. Which might sound like a compliment but bear in mind last year I most looked forward to Jedward. I'm morbidly fascinated by the way they've taken someone with no conventional performance ability whatsoever, and managed to make this a plus. In pure marketing terms (which is all that matters in the end) he's gold, albeit in a short-term way. This week he's doing "Thriller" which is presumably what convinced everyone there was such a thing as a Halloween-themed song, before they remembered they'd have to find another ten from somewhere without resorting to "The Monster Mash." His makeup's been inspired by Sandeesh from The Apprentice
, he's surrounded by Autons and once again changes the song into his serial-killer style. I do agree that an hour of this stuff would drive you insane, but he's certainly good for some cash out of the Twilight
are all "yay we weren't in the bottom two last week" and oh dear those smiles won't last long. They're doing the Banananananananarama version of "Venus" because Roman Goddesses, ooh, spooky! They're dressed as the Brides of Dracula, surrounded by men in pants, and singing badly.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
is at least getting into the theme, as she appears to be wearing a witch's hat in her VT. She's singing "Wicked Game" which is Halloweeny because, er, it's got the word "Wicked" in it? Or maybe because Chris Isaak is inherently terrifying? Whatever. On a second listen she does have a lot of dodgy notes, but I dunno, I quite like the performance overall. Rebecca's growing on me even as TreyC is beginning to disappoint me.
Speaking of whom, TREYC
is wearing a hoody, and fair enough, it's a good Halloween costume because people are scared of hoodies, especially if they read The Daily Mail
. And the second song tonight to have been a Take That cover, "Relight My Fire." Meh, it's OK, but doesn't really grab my attention - usual post-bottom-two playing it safe stuff really.MATT THE RUBBISH DECORATOR
is doing "Bleeding Love" because he does LADYSONGS because his voice can go all high and that. Actually it's really wobbly here. He's made no concession to the theme unless you count taking off his hat, so we have to look at his hair. Yikes! I don't particularly have anything against Matt (far from it, he publicly slated Hatey so bonus points) but I get pissed off when he gets credited with uniqueness he doesn't possess. This week Dannii says that because that's a LADYSONG, no other guy
could possibly sing that song. No, no men have ever sung "Bleeding Love" before, least of all the guy who co-wrote it
. Anyway Matt remains the favourite to win, and I'm surprised Cowell isn't trying harder to sabotage this - does he need another winner who'll mainly be in demand as a Loose Women
guest? Then again I suppose Wand Erection will sell as many pencil cases and calendars whether they win or lose.
Another ineptly mixed-together mashup for WAGGONER
, this time "O Fortuna" crashing abruptly into "Bat Out Of Hell." He's struggling to keep up with the music for the latter, and blames having to go from Latin into English.
Oh yeah, PAIJE
is still here. That's nice. Amy Winehouse is pretty scary I suppose, so he's doing "Back In Black." For the bits where he's worried about hitting the notes, he mostly just does a gurgling noise.
Last week, THE REAL HATEY
discovered that her personality is in fact "Kooky." Get that? Definitely kooky, that works for her and she's sticking with it. Remember that next week when her latest stint in the bottom two means she mysteriously acquires a whole new gimmick. Anyway right now she's still kooky, which is why she's doing "Bewitched." I like to think this is the first step towards the show following Britain's Got the Pop Factor
and having a "TV theme tunes week." Wagner to do "Only Fools and Horses" pls.WAND ERECTION
are doing "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Another song that's been on Glee
eh, shocka. Aiden won't be pleased, they're totally nicking his vampire theme. My sister phoned earlier and we were talking about X Factor
; she was talking about their pale makeup and saying one of them didn't look vampirey, he just looked skinny and ill. I'm watching it again now and I don't know how she narrowed it down to just one of them. They actually allow The Blond One to do some singing this week (just the "turn around" bits) and well, at least he's not Zain. Zain is still Zain though, so they inexplicably give him the final line. Actually I'm not sure The Blond One is too happy to finally be given some singing to do, because it detracts from his main purpose which is to be a bit too excited about being on telly, and do overenthusiastic shoulder actions. As soon as he's done his lines he goes straight back into this. I *heart* him. Miniature Nicholas Hoult still isn't allowed to sing.THE CHERYL COLE VOODOO DOLL
closes the show and I'd heard that Cher was going to do Shakespear's Sister's "Stay." I was worried but in the end she turned a lot of people's opinion around about her. I can't really say I was one of them, and yet the performance was very effective. Her vocal was better than expected but still shaky, and I think this is my issue: It was the most affecting performance of the night but a lot of what made it work were things that I've had an issue with before. "Stay" is one of those songs that's so full of despair that wobbly vocals can sometimes add to its effectiveness; as does Cher's apparent frailty, which the show's been trying to deny for so many weeks. And NotLouis makes a big contribution here, with a Wuthering Heights
staging complete with specially-shot video of a windblown Cher on a tree. I dunno, credit to her for being better than expected but let's not pretend all the stops weren't pulled out for her. (Also, not a criticism of Cher but of the arrangement - "Stay" is a duet, having the same person singing both the Marcella and Siobhan bits is odd.)
Results! Christ there's a lot of filler even compared to every other week. Bon Jon Bovril! Jamiroquai for some reason! Rihanna! No time for a group song, the contestants just show up to do backing vocals for Bon Jon Bovril on "Livin' on a Prayer." I feel like they should look around and consider whether this might be a better use for their talents in general? Anyway quite a lot of them are looking very excited to be sharing the stage with Bon Jovi. Including Blond Erection, who's doing air-guitar and it looks like the remaining Erections are having to physically hold him back from wandering off across the stage. Is he even old enough to have heard of Bon Jovi? I don't think it matters, that's just how excited he always
is. About everything. "Fancy a trip to the shops Blond Erection? We're out of milk." "Whee! Trip to the shops! Hooray! Milk! Yipee!" *air guitar* *shoulder shrug* Dermot talks to Richie Sambora (played by Anjelica Huston) and sounds shocked that Richie watched Saturday's show. Dermot, we're
allowed to be surprised that the guest act watched the show and turned up anyway, but you're supposed to pretend this is normal.
Anyway, after 35 minutes of plugging various singles, albums and tours, we get the results, which see Belle End and Hatey in the bottom two, so we already known Belle End are going home. Before this though there's the best moment of the show (ever) as Dermot talks to the bottom two and attempts to say to Hatey "good luck, Katie" or "good luck, hun." But in the best mixup of words on reality TV since "Yeah, Brackie" he can't decide whether to say "Katie" or "hun" and ends up channeling the thoughts of millions of viewers
Oh yeah right. Belle End done sang shit, Hatey done sang even shitter, it went to deadlock, Belle End out. Next week! The theme is "songs that have at some point been available to buy on record, cassette, CD or download."