Oh bloody hell... and this completes my hat-trick of X Factor
reviews that begin with those words, every time thoroughly deserved. This time it's oh bloody hell, they're doing two songs each. Which is normal for this point in the series except this year there's still seven of the bastards left so we're nearly back to the interminable length of the first live show. After having a couple of theme weeks that actually were
theme weeks (they still managed to stretch the definition of "Beatles songs" to include "not Beatles songs" of course) we're back to the vaguer definitions. This week is "Rock Week," a definition that will once again be stretched to breaking point and beyond. So much so, that Dermot doesn't even do \m/ when he announces the theme because it would be even more of a lie than it is most years. Also, he's dressed for an insurance conference in a Travelodge in Rhyl so it wouldn't really look right. Right, let's get this car crash started but first the judges must come on. Dannii is wearing a red doily, while Cheryl is about to do her "trademark" salute which she learned when she was in the army, being trained in how to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love. But no, Simon grabs her hand and stops her because he wants to do it this week instead. Well, that hilarious visual gag totally worked, didn't it? It got us off to the sort of start that'll give you an idea of how this whole night's going to go.ROUND ONE! DING DING!
They've decided the joke's gone on long enough so WAGGONER
is finally given the suicide slot. His VT tells us Wagner's moved out of the X Factor
house into a hotel. They don't tell us why so we're left to assume the papers were right in saying it's because he's a bit rapey and the other contestants don't want him around. Well, that's an encouraging way to go into his song, especially since it's called "Creep." Yep, it's the Radiohead song of that name (but with the swears taken out obvs) and I must say as soon at it became apparent that's what it was I was rather horrified that it was going to be massacred before my very ears. Oddly, though, it sort of works and you can't say the words "I don't belong here" repeated at the end don't have a speacial wink-wink-see-what-we've-done-there significance. Well, you can't unless you're Louis Walsh, who's offended at the very suggestion when Dannii mentions it. This would be the same Louis Walsh who picked it for Wagner in the first place. Of course it soon also transpires that he thinks the song's lyric goes "I'm a winner," which it doesn't. It's "I'm a weirdo" and even if he didn't know that going in, he could have at least been polite enough to listen to his act singing, as that's the lyric Wagner sang. Well, he kind of sang "I'm a widow" but you know. I guess I can't blame Louis though, he's obviously realised that displaying no musical knowledge whatsoever is the way to become the Nation's SweetheartTM
are remembering the Summer of '69, which was over 20 years before any of them were born. Or maybe they're optimistically looking forward to what they're sure will be the best days of their lives in the future, when they're surrounded by grandchildren and eating Werther's? Because if you think about it, there's a very high likelihood that most of Wand Erection will still be alive in 2069. JESUS! Anyway Newt Erection sings the first couple of lines but that's it as far as solos are concerned. I know everyone's been aware for weeks that the backing singers are carrying Wand Erection's performances but this is just silly - the rest of the song is basically just the sound of a choir. Cheryl says there's electricity in the room which, yes Cheryl, that's how all those lights work And That. Simon says Curly Erection chose this song and Louis attempts to make the fact that Simon won an Emmy into a hilarious joke at Simon's expense. You weird, Louis. Meanwhile Newt Erection's absolute fury at the fact that he's been shunted into a boyband with these hyperactive little kids is more obvious than ever. The moment Wand Erection metamorphose into a four-piece and an ill-advised solo career is coming sooner than you think, boys and girls.MARY (SPONSORED BY HER DAUGHTER)
goes into a completely empty branch of HMV (what, don't Tesco stock it?) where she purposefully strides straight to their charity single, almost as if she'd rehearsed it or something. She'll be bellowing this song to the father of her daughter, daughter daughter, daughtery daughter, and it's U2's "AAAAAAAArghll I Want Is You." I was out on Saturday night but it's at some point during Mary's song that we arrived at the pub, and sort-of watched the rest of the show in there.THE CHERYL COLE VOODOO DOLL
is singing/rapping some song I've never heard of. Apparently it's by Avril Latrine so no wonder I've managed to avoid it so far. Her makeup's back to the creepy sex doll look from a couple of weeks ago but apart from that there's a lot of bouncing up and down and twirling her hair, and the stage is very pink and bubblegummy. Congratulations Shur, you can be the new Lolly. Simon says it's "undoubtably" her best performance.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
is dressed as Bet Lynch and honking U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Bono's doing well out of tonight isn't he? As well as the covers there's been a few U2 tracks playing in the contestants' VTs. The tax on those royalties will go some way to helping Ireland's crippled economy. Or it would, IF BONO PAID HIS TAXES.
Last week MATT, MATT, THE STAGE-SCHOOL BRAT
was wearing a vest, in this series' most embarrassing SexyFAIL yet. This week, he tells us this wasn't
a carefully contrived attempt to make the ladies moist by flashing his armpit but, like, a totally spontaneous accident when they couldn't decide on what shirt he was going to wear and he just went on stage without it. Funny how they never mentioned that at the time, before they knew it had backfired. This week he sings "I Love Rock'n'Roll" and I guess they do say you always hurt the ones you love. Although he walks in a straight line for a bit, his sexy moves still mainly consist of him shuffling his feet awkwardly. The voice is OK I suppose but he's not exactly exuding stage presence. The lady dancers all lie down and aim their vaginas at him because he is HETEROSEXUAL!THE REAL HATEY
is given the pimp slot (in Round 1 at least) for the second week in a row. She says the mask has come off, and underneath it there's - ta da! - another mask! She loves rock'n'roll because it's so *noises.* Fucking hell. She's wearing a maternity dress and singing "Sex on Fire," possibly the most famous song ever to be written about a urinary tract infection. She couldn't be less \m/ if she tried. The "whoo"s and "yeah"s are so
over-rehearsed. Cheryl tells her she got right into character, which is interesting what with this being finally, honestly, no really this time, the Real Hatey.
Oh god, I've been writing this for over an hour and now we've got it all to go through again. The votes are open, time for ROUND TWO! DING DING!
Oh, things are back to normal with "Addicted to Love" for WAGGONER
's second song, we're back to his usual performance. As is compulsory when doing this song, there's the sexy ladies pretending to play instruments, like in the original video, because the video and the song are totally the same thing so you can't do one without the other. Louis is still trying to somehow make a joke out of Simon winning an Emmy. How, Louis, how
is it humiliating if someone wins a big award? Dannii just looks embarrassed for him. So do we all Dannii, so do we all.
Next up, Simon says "you know what's coming!" Yeah, by the sound of it a load of teenage girls are coming right now. Oh actually he means it's WAND ERECTION
again. In the VT Louis Walsh says they're doing a great rock song, THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER! Simon says he's chosen it to showcase that all five of them can sing, and by all five of them he means Newt Erection, Curly Erection and Olly Erection, as usual. Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection obviously doesn't get to do anything just like he never has, nor does Blond Erection, which is odd because on the few occasions he's been allowed to sing he's got probably the most pleasant voice out of all of them. Although I think I know what's going on there now - Blond Erection's voice is a bit deeper than you'd expect, and since on the results show we'll be hearing the high-pitched squeaks of the inspiration behind this band, I'm now wondering if this indication that Niall's balls have dropped is expected to alienate the target audience. Back to the pub on Saturday night, where I actually shouted out "No! Don't let Zayn do a solo!" It's actually better than usual although that might be largely because he's barely audible. The song, by the way, is "You Are So Beautiful (To Me)" and now Louis has changed his mind and this isn't a rock song at all. Simon says nuh-uh, it's totally a rock song because Joe Cocker was a rock singer. Take note, by this logic if they ever do a Country & Western Week (as if) then it's totally on-theme to do "Justified and Ancient." Actually can someone please find an excuse to do this anyway? It would be awesome. Bah, too late for Wagner to do it now: "They joostify, and they ayn-shen, and they dry an ice crim van!" Simon also tells us that this performance was all about Olly Erection who's now got over his NO CONFIDENCE problem, as demonstrated in Boot Camp when he had to be cajoled into dancing. Oh, that was him being all shy? Because the way I remember it, that was all about Zayn being a little madam who thought he was too cool to be seen degrading himself by dancing in public. But no, if you say so, I must be remembering it wrong. Zayn says it's nice to come out on stage with five of your best friends each week. Either he can't count, or he's counting himself as one of his own best friends. Blond Erection apparently wants to say something 'cause he's trying to grab Dermot's arm but Dermot thinks he's just stroking him and being affectionate and says "thank you Niall." I guess he's just relieved Niall didn't try to lick his face.MARY (SPONSORED BY TESCO
will be shimmying her bingo wings while she bellows "Brass In Pocket." She's standing behind the judges' desk at the start, over the audience. So they've given her a leather jacket, to protect the front row from the risk of being walloped by her bingo wings flapping when she moves. It's astonishingly bad, by the way. I mean, it's interesting to know that you've got a voice so loud that if you stood at this end of the Channel Tunnel and yelped you'd be heard in France but there's just some songs where this isn't the right appproach. Almost all of them, in fact.
The order of the girls' performances has been altered slightly since the first round so it's PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
next. She can't get no satisfaction, says her nose. Hey, Mary managed to walk about a bit before, what do you think Rebecca, wanna try it yourself? No, OK. Louis, Dannii and Simon all call her Aretha in quick succession and I'm not sure if they're comparing her to Ms Franklin or if they've just all had a memory lapse and think that's her name.THE REAL HATEY
is murdering "Everybody Hurts" and I know it's a cheap joke to say everyobdy hurts because they can hear her singing but who ever said I was above cheap jokes? She keeps grabbing at her skirt and I wonder if her nervous breakdown has now reached the stage where she'll be lifting it over her head and flashing her minge at the judges. Simon says cutting this particular song to fit the running time doesn't really work. Cheryl "supports" her act by saying that, actually Hatey had the same amount of time as the other acts and she filled it. As ringing endorsements go, it's a bit "I heartily endorse this event or product."
In the pub on Saturday night, I was mainly talking to Richard and Mark, neither of whom have watched this series of X Factor
(although Mark still recalls with wonder the moment last year, in the same pub, where he was first introduced to the "joys" of Jedward.) So I had to inform them how desperately attracted they were to MATT, MATT, THE STAGE-SCHOOL BRAT
because if I hadn't told them they might not have noticed. Jeez, he's got even more eye makeup on than usual, that's some very pink eyeshadow right there, never mind the eyelashes which are always
sponsored by Maybelline Volume Express. Next week he'll have gone full drag queen at this rate. He's yelping "Nights In White Satin" while holding a guitar, which he occasionally waves his hand in front of.
Lolly THE CHERYL COLE VOODOO DOLL
does "Walk This Way." Aw, nice how both of The Blessed St. Cheryl's struggling acts got a go at the pimp slot. And there we have it. We've been hearing all night that next week is the Semi!Final! so this whole "seven people left" thing can't be right can it? So when Dermot informs us that Sunday is a Double!Elimination! and all the acts will be surprised because they didn't know this, none of them actually look the least bit surprised. Because they can count. Well, we can't see Zayn, presumably he's the one who's surprised.
Results! No group song this week because presumably someone
on this show has some sympathy for the audience's eardrums. Instead we get The Wanted for some reason. Possibly because their manager owns the country's biggest radio network and Simon would like some airplay. Nah, it's 'cause The Wanted are totally on the same scale of success as the rest of the guest stars in this show. They do their new song and demonstrate beyond any doubt that getting squashed in to a stationary fairground ride car is not
the sexiest way to make an entrance.
Next up we have international megastar Bieber! From the Muppets! Oh wait, I'm thinking of Beaker. This is Justin
Bieber, who (like a lot of the people on my Twitter stream, it seems) I know nothing about except he's a lesbian, and little girls like him. Oh, maybe I knew he was Canadian as well, that sounds familiar when Shouty Voiceover Man says it. Hey, remember when Americans abroad used to pretend to be Canadian so they wouldn't get blamed for US foreign policy? And now they can't even do that anymore 'cause if they say they're Canadian they'll be blamed for Bieber. All that time spent practicing saying "aboot" for nothing
! Anyway let's see what this madness is actually all about eh? Oh, it appears to be Minipops
, I thought that was cancelled in 1983 for being too paedotastic! Apparently Blond Erection is a massive
, stalkerish Bieber fan and given his tendency too run off wherever he feels like I wonder if they've got extra security (or just got Mary to sit on him.) Anyway thoughout Bieber's "perfromance" I'm just expecting Niall to run on at any minute and try to hump his leg. Incidentally, when the constestants were asked who their first pop crush was, Niall said "Busted." Mmm-hmm. He then quickly went on to say "well not crush, exactly..." Actually I think if Niall is
, he's probably got a case of the Joe McElderrys and hasn't actually noticed it himself, and will need someone else to point it out to him. But it's always the Irish one who's gay, isn't it? Boyzone, Westlife, the gay one's been Irish both times. I mean, in both those bands all the straight ones have been Irish as well so that skews the statistics slightly. Hmmm. This theory possibly needs more research.
And the final guest is former judge (and probable X Factor USA
judge) Nicole Shitsinger, whose perfomance is gaytastic. She goes off and touches Simon on the shoulder during the song and it takes him a few moments to realise he's supposed to be doing his "I AM ATTRACTED TO WOMEN OF THE FEMALE VARIETY" leery expression.
So, a double elimination, in which the contestant with the lowest votes automatically goes out. Cynics (i.e. me) have been suggesting that delaying the double eliminations for such a ridiculously long time has all been in aid of keeping Hatey in, and as soon as you went back to actually eliminating the least popular she'd be toast. That's probably not true though, so let's see what happens when we go back to eliminating the least popular: Oh, Hatey is toast. The rest of the bottom 3 are Louis' remaining acts, so Wanger ("Unforgettable") takes on Mary ("This Is My Life.") Louis has to vote first. And choose between his acts? Why, that's not possible is it Cheryl? Oh wait, Louis is capable of doing his job. He saves Mary, as does everyone else of course. Wagner goes, into a cupboard possibly because he's not allowed onto the promotional TV appearances the next day. So Hatey gets that publicity all to herself, as is her right because she's a special snowflake (in that no two of her personalities are exactly the same.)