It’s time! To face! The fact that all those hours we’ve wasted watching The X Factor
? We ain’t getting them back :( And there’s four more of them this weekend. FOUR! HOURS! Which I'm splitting into two posts this time for the sake of my sanity and yours. We’ll find out who gets to be the next X Factor
winner, at the exact same time that last year’s winner’s latest single fails to chart at all. Aw, I do feel bad for Maliddlejoe, I like him. (No, not in a sex way; come on, would you
let your cock anywhere near those teeth? Danger!) But the writing was clearly on the wall as soon as he released an album I actually liked, instead of a tedious pile of granny-pleasing guff. I also find it unfortunate that the youngest-ever openly gay popstar has had such a car crash of a recording career. Whether that’s in any way affected his chances or not, it won’t exactly encourage future celebrities to be open about their sexuality, will it? Still, he always had “musical theatre” written all over him in more ways than one, so all this does really is speed up the inevitable. How long is Gareth Gates staying in Les Mis
for? Because given recent casting choices there, Maliddlejoe could be a shoo-in for Marius. If Gareth sticks around long enough for Joe to have some acting lessons (mainly consisting of teaching him facial expressions other than “beatific smile”) then all should be well. But enough about last year’s doomed pop career, time for this year’s doomed pop career.
A quick recap of the early stages of the competition, although mainly this consists of seeing “she ponch ar in de feyz!” again. Then for a brief moment the producers remember that Nicolò was in this competition once. He’s been tweeting all week from rehearsals for the final, so will he be visible in tonight’s group song? I wonder. Matt Cardle! Doesn’t want to be a Rubbish Decorator again! He’d rather be a Rubbish Popstar! Shur Lloyd! Thinks we haven’t seen the best of her yet! I hope so pickle ‘cause what we’ve seen of you so far was shit! Rebecca Ferguson! Also exists! Wand Erection! Simon thinks their little faces would be a picture if they won! Well that’s a totally valid reason for it to happen then! One act will be going home tonight! Oh thank fuck for that – I’d heard it was two, and the likelihood of the Sunday show being two straight hours of Matt and Rebecca was making me break out in hives.
Now, please welcome back the Final 16, who will be miming badly to “Flashdance.” Well, some of the Final 16, anyway. The Vampire Grimshaw, Hatey, TreyC, Little Lenny Henry, Belle End, Waggoner all get to sing a bit before the final four come in. Yeesh, Mary (sponsored by Tesco) doesn’t get a line? She came fifth. That’s cold
. I just about catch a glimpse of her right at the end, standing next to Wagner. Oh yeah, there’s Nicolò and his new ginger dye-job behind Matt, if you pause it. I spot a couple of members of Fuck Your Donkey as well, but no sign of Storm, Diva Fever or John. Of course, I could walk out my front door and John could be standing there and I’d still not notice him so the latter proves nothing. Yikes, Zayn, what are
you wearing?ROUND ONE! OH, WE’RE ONLY GETTING PROPERLY STARTED NOW? OUCH!
All the finalists done gone back to their home towns, except for Blond Erection because he’s from IRELAND and we’ve been having WEATHER. First though, the phone lines are open right from the start, so the pimp slot is now in fact the first slot, which of course goes to MATT THE RUBBISH DECORATOR
. Helpfully, all the finalists’ voting numbers end in the position they’re going to end up in at the end. Matt’s returning to Colchester where he plays in his local and is so happy he cries a little bit. Well, it always seems to work for Cher. Then he goes to his house (/his parents’ house) where he cries again. Say what you want, that Maybelline fuller lash mascara is great, it’s not running at all. Then his dad cries as well. Lots of crying! His mum doesn’t cry but she’s presumably too busy putting Matt’s tea on and doing his laundry. Then he does his hometown gig and you can see how much he’s progressed as a performer when he thanks the audience, with his back to them and staring at his shoes. Stage presence! Back to the studio and because some people might not have realised yet quite how boring Matt is, he’s doing a Dildo song just to hammer it home. It’s the theme from Roswell
, a LADYSONG which his falsetto crashes and burns on. Last week his excuse was being ill, what’s his excuse this week? Behind him are some violinists sitting on stairs with tea towels draped over their heads. NotLouis’ bonkers side is really struggling for an outlet since Wagner left, isn’t it? Cheryl COLE tells him she’s always known he’d be in the final (‘cause Simon let her in on how the voting was going) and he mimes a blowjob at her in thanks. Then we go to the hometown crowd, where Stacey Solomon is there to be invisible. Technical error? Nah, bless‘er, Stacey hasn’t figured out which side of the camera she’s supposed to stand on yet.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
is going back to her home town. This is a moment we’ve all been waiting for because of course it’s been such an enduring mystery, just what is
Rebecca’s home town? Oh, turns out it’s Liverpool! Well I never! In fact Rebecca is so
Scouse she appears to live on the set of Bread
. Someone makes Cheryl a cup of tea which she accepts but doesn’t drink, obviously – she only drinks ambrosia, and only eats swans. For her performance, Rebecca stands on the top of a circular platform while her nose sings “Just Like A Star.” Then some dancers come on and slowly revolve the platform because that’s the only way Rebecca is going to FUCKING MOVE!WAND ERECTION
all got to go home which took a while ‘cause there’s five of them. Except Blond Erection is from Ireland which is a whole different country, so if they’d taken him there he’d have had to spend a couple of months in quarantine when he came back so it just wasn’t viable. They just took him to a TV studio where he could look at some pictures of what Ireland looks like and he was happy enough with that. Of course, Blond Erection was happy enough just to be going for a ride in the car – they opened a window for him so he stuck his head out and panted excitedly with his tongue hanging out, it was all great fun. Then on to Doncaster – this is Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection’s home town but obviously, he’s still not allowed to stand in the middle on stage, that would suggest he’s a proper member of the band. Then it’s off to Curly Erection’s house where they have a party which even has party poppers
! They’re so easily pleased. Then Harry gazes into the eyes of his mother, who is the same age as him, and it’s all a bit Oedipal and weird. Quick, let’s go to Bradford which is where Olly Erection is from! They do a signing in HMV, then go to Newt Erection’s home town of Wolverhampton, where Simon joins them in the back of the car for his mandatory minute-and-a-half of weekly mentoring time, where he tells them it’s been great working with them, whoever they are. For their first performance they’re singing “Your Song” (Ellie Goulding version) and wearing lots of big jumpers and scarves because there will be FAKE SNOW! coming down soon – ooh, wintery, Christmassy, Christmas #1
, hint hint! They’re playing it really safe, with only Newt Erection and Curly Erection allowed to do any solo vocals, there’s not even any of Olly Erection’s trademarked tuneless echoes. Why, it’s almost as if Zayn is in the group for reasons unrelated to his singing ability:
Louis Walsh says everyone in Ireland should vote for Niall because, as Mary (sponsored by Tesco)’s former mentor, he knows what a foolproof way to victory that is. Simon says they’ve all proven themselves individually as singers. Especially Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection, eh Simon? Speaking of which, the outside broadcast for Wand Erection comes from Doncaster, to give us an idea of what it would be like in an alternate universe where Louis is The Main One.
Speaking of alternate universes, THE CHERYL COLE VOODOO DOLL
is actually going to give an entertaining performance tonight. She takes Cheryl back to the Ghetto (Malvern, Glos.) for another cup of tea she won’t drink, and think you’re clever with your crying dad, Matt? Shur’s entire family are going to have a nervous breakdown. Ha! For the performance she’s wearing trousers covered in lipstick marks (from where the entire production staff have been ordered to kiss her arse, and some of them missed) and singing a medley that includes “The Clapping Song” and Celebrity Lesbian Missy Elliot’s “Get Your Freak On,” a song I’d really love if it didn’t always make me think of its video, with a massive slo-mo gob of spit flying across the screen. Although if Cher stands at the back of the stage and gobs from there onto Simon’s face then much will be forgiven. Her vocals are still a mess but this is actually the most entertaining performance of the night. Partly because the medley works well and partly because of NotLouis’ OTT staging but mostly because, at long bloody last, Cher actually engages with said staging, runs around and looks like she’s having fun, not taking herself too seriously, instead of the vaguely threatening scowl of superiority she’s worn while performing for the last ten weeks. If this was what she’d actually been like all along, I might have been able to understand what all the fuss was about. Back in Malvern, Scott Mills talks to Cher’s performing arts teacher. What? You mean Cher didn’t just rise fully-formed from the ghetto?ROUND TWO! CELEBRITY PWNAGE!
Every act gets to duet with a celebrity now and MATT – MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE
is doing a LADYSONG with a LADY, who is called RIHANNA and has come dressed as a cross between Ronald McDonald and the Showgirls
poster, in a red frightwig with one leg sticking out of her dress. Matt’s falsetto is already sounding shit before Rihanna comes on and blows him out of the water but mainly we’re going to cut to a reaction shot of him biting his finger in heterosexual excitement because he thinks he can see a bit of her ladygarden. Then at the end of the song Rihanna touches him and he squeaks in fear.PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA
has drawn the short straw, as having started squeezing “Beautiful” out of her nose, she must now introduce Christina Aqualung who will open her mouth and blow Rebecca down the stairs. Ms Aqualung demonstrates how she can sing all the notes in the song, all the notes that aren’t in the song, and a few notes that didn’t previously exist and while it’s impressive vocally it’s the least sympathetic of all the guest performances tonight because she’s so clearly out to pwn the act she’s allegedly helping. Or, at the very least, she doesn’t give a shit if that happens so long as everyone knows how good her own voice is. Once Christina’s done her first bit I assume Rebecca’s meant to sing again but all she manages is a “meep.” Then there’s an ad break with a trailer for Burlesque
. Coincidence! Pure and simple!
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll know I’m not exactly a Robbie Williams fan but fair play to him, he comes across the best out of the guest celebrities tonight – at least he engages with WAND ERECTION
to some extent on stage, appears to have some vague idea of who they are, and seems to have rehearsed with them for more than three minutes. Maybe he realised he had to make up for last year, when he duetted with Olly MURS and forgot the words to his own song. This time it’s “She’s The One,” which even Newt Erection and Curly Erection are struggling with, so there was no
chance they’d let the other three have a go. Then we finally find out what the point of Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection is: It’s to introduce Fat Bob! Hurray! And there, ladies and gentlemen, was Louis’ entire contribution to this series of X Factor
. I hope you enjoyed it. Fat Bob comes on, does his singy songy thing, pretends to conduct Wand Erection and tells the audience to vote for them. He looks like he’s taking the piss but that’s his default facial expression so who knows? All week the rumours had been that Wand Erection’s duet would be with Justin Bieber but eventually they tried to find someone whose leg Blond Erection wouldn’t hump. In Fat Bob they have clearly failed to find this person as Niall is of course all over him. Luckily Fat Bob joins in and picks him up by the collar and tickles his tummy. Even Niall is shut up by this for about three seconds. Dermot makes a convoluted attempt to compare Wand Erection to Take That (except with three Jason Oranges) and Fat Bob wants to know if Niall is the Robbie. No of course not, Liam is blatantly the Robbie. Don’t you recognise the look of seething resentment and superiority? The grim determination to go solo at the first opportunity? You should.THE CHERYL COLE VOODOO DOLL
is doing “Where Is The Love” which then turns into “I Gotta Feeling” when she’s joined by Will.i.am.only.doing.this.cause.cheryl.p
romised.me.a.blowie. Yeah, it’s back to the usual Cher performance, but with added Will.i.am.
Intermission while the votes get frozen and totalled up: Two of the guests return, first Rihanna who’s decided her earlier frock didn’t show enough minge so this time she’s just not bothered wearing a skirt. Then Christina Aqualung and a load of lady dancers waving their filthy susans at the camera. With all these vaginas being aimed at us, I wonder if The X Factor
has slightly miscalculated its audience base. Her song consists of her singing “Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque! Burlesque!” Then Dermot comes on and helpfully informs us it was from her new film, Burlesque
. Thanks Dermot!
Time to eliminate Cher, er, I mean, whichever of the finalists might conceivably be in last place right now. Dermot says this week there’s no judges’ elimination – I mean, there isn’t, is there Simon? For sure, yeah, I can go ahead with this? Not going to change your mind? OK, let’s go. Who’s through to tomorrow? Well Rebecca is! And Wand Erection! (Jump jump up and down, biiiig hugs, and then the best moment of the night as Niall Horan  doesn’t realise he’s shouting into a mike when he tells Simon “Let’s get hammered!”) And then who could possibly be the last one through? Well it’s Rubbish Decorator of course. The Cheryl Cole Voodoo Doll has finally gone and we get her to see her journey on the show, which mainly consisted of her not being able to sing songs in their entirety but ending up in the final anyway. “It’s good to see you’re not crying,” says Dermot. Well there’s no point, is there? It’s not going to buy her any votes now.
To! Be! Continued!