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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
12th-May-2011 01:26 pm
No rest for the wicked. Or me either, the second episode of this year's Apprentice is already waiting to be recapped. Phew, the proper opening music is back. We get the compulsory moments from upcoming episodes, and unless every clip is from next week it looks like Glenn might be sticking around for a while yet. Oh and look, pretty much all of Alex's contribution to the first episode shows up on the "previously" section, with us being reminded he wasn't very proactive in the fruit'n'veg task. I wonder if there's any chance this might become relevant later.

It's 5am and there's no phone call, instead we get Nighttime London Porn as a motorcycle courier delivers LdAlan's message. The Actor Michael Sheen gets to the door first, which means he gets the first point in Phone Wars despite there being no actual phone involved. He fails to do this in a pair of tiny green pants but in his case I think this is just as well. He shouts to everyone to wake up, and Christ, one of the men has a ridiculously muscled back! I think it's Jim, now there's a dark horse. The package is a laptop on which LdAlan's video message tells them it's the "create a product and flog it to three different shops" task, only we're all FUTUREMODERN now so the product will be a mobile phone app, and the "shops" will be three websites that can promote it. Leon (9) thinks that not wearing a tie is creative. He also thinks we want to hear him say "let the juices flow" in a Jafaican accent. Basically by the end of this episode I'm convinced that almost all the men this year are doing a Stuart Ballbaggs and only really doing the show to get a job on local radio. If it weren't for the fact that this series was filmed before the last one aired I'd say they were copying him. Now there's a scary thought, what'll next year's show be like if they all actively copy Ballbaggs? Anyway, speaking of which, Leon (12) and Jim spend the car ride making puns on the word "app." They are all "app"alling. Then Spivvy joins in with an "app"le pun, and the scene's blatantly edited to make it look like this went down even worse than it really did. Spivvy's storyline this episode is that he's clearly not as cool as he makes out, and a number of people on Twitter start comparing him to Kirk St Moritz from Dear John.

Leon (8) volunteers to be boys' PM because he once thought of doing an app but then didn't. Gavin pulls the same "I don't know if you should be PM but I'm not actually volunteering either" schtick he did last time, and frankly he's turning into a bit of a whiny bitch but this doesn't matter because he's wearing glasses which make him look even sexier than he already did. Gavin's day job is something to do with an online opticians' and frankly he's doing a bloody good advertising job right here. Anyway Jim, Spivvy and Glenn pretend to also volunteer for PM, Alex makes it very clear he doesn't want to do it, before they all let Leon (13) do it anyway. Over on Team Girls, it's basically the other way round from yesterday: Edna volunteers to PM, and Melody tells everyone else that they've agreed to this. Susan sort of questions whether Edna has the slightest idea what the task is about but Edna just does Headshake of Sass at her so that shuts her up. The girls go off to do research because none of them are sure what an app is, the boys stay where they are because they already sort of know. Both teams end up with vaguely similar ideas anyway. Gavin pitches a bubblewrap-popping app which presumably gets rejected offscreen 'cause it already exists. The Actor Michael Sheen pitches an app that tells you what the weather was like a year ago. Useful. Then he pitches traffic lights. No, that's it, just traffic lights. Come on The Actor Michael Sheen, you're an inventor, at least make the traffic lights curved or something! What they're ending up with is Glenn's idea for an app that insults you in various different regional dialects. Um. They're going to call it Slangatang. Gavin looks confused.

Meanwhile Susan has an idea. She doesn't know what the idea is, but it does involve two people sitting together and not knowing where they are, it helps if you pretend to be you and I pretend to be me, and if you'd just let her keep saying random words for the next couple of hours she's sure something would make sense by the end of it, unless it doesn't. Edna finally shuts her up, which Susan puts down to Edna being so very old, while she is so very young. We don't find out Susan's age but unless she's 24 her argument is invalid. They eventually come up with basically the same thing as the boys, except instead of regional slang it's just going to make annoying noises at you. They call it Ampi-Apps. "Sounds like a plan!" Sounds like a tampon to me but there we are.

Needless to say they're all doing the comedy voices themselves, so this series marks an Apprentice record for me, it's only Episode 2 and I've already had to turn the sound down. Nick is perplexed but then when isn't he? Back at the house, Edna tells the girls that she'll be doing the presentation to gamers at Earl's Court, and this is genius in two ways: First, the fact that she announces it in X Factor style - "The person who will be doing the presentation is... myself." Second, she basically tells the others that she's looked over their various skills and decided that they don't have any. This being Melody's day job, her face is thunder and you can see the Edna/Melody love-in is over. She's being sent to pitch to the websites instead. The girls get the first site's hit rate wrong so good start there, and apparently the elephant has a trunk which is weird and oh I don't know. Spivvy's pitch for the boys starts with "Hi chaps!" which is never good, and it then descends into panicked gabble until Jim has to bail him out. He himself fucks up at the Wired pitch, when he's asked if the product is offensively stereotyping people and he starts to babble that it isn't. (I seriously don't get why they didn't just say yes it is making fun of people but look at the popularity of South Park and Family Guy, there's a market for things that are deliberately and equally offensive, etc etc.) In the end this is the only website not to choose Slangatang but it being the biggest one, we know how this task goes every year.

Earl's Court, where the boys are dressed as farmers, Edna is dressed as a supervillain and stalks menacingly around the stage, having based her performance on Grace Jones as May Day but without the warmth. The Actor Michael Sheen is wearing a grey stick-on mustache and looking like he's not sure where he is. Then the boys do a big fun presentation for ver kidz, and actually remember to tell them how to download the app. Melody gets her own back for earlier by telling Edna her presentation sucked big donkey dick. No Headshake of Sass now, Edna's face stays as still as her rictus grin, which is quality. Basically the mislead at this point is so blatant that it's clear the boys will have the rug pulled out from under them.

Boardroom! The teams are on the wrong sides, it's confusing me. The girls felt they could do better, they just presumably opted not to. The boys got 3951 downloads, the girls 10667, most of them overnight (so not predominantly from the UK, like the boys' downloads.) Yes, even siccing the Karren of Doom on her couldn't beat Edna's powers of Sass. They go to a Michel Roux restaurant, the boys back to Loser Cafe, where Leon basically asks the others to tell him who to take back in with him. Little does he know they'll take him at his word. This is a tricky one to be honest, the boys were actually a much better organised team but a number of little things added up to disaster, while the fact that the women were basically just making loud indistinct noises at each other, and ended up with an app that did the same, lucked into not being restricted by language barriers. The idea for an app that was too UK-based was Glenn's; Jim wrote the dull advertising copy and also failed to get the biggest website interested, and LdAlan is blatantly pushing Leon (11) to bring the latter back with him. Jim meanwhile remembers the last boardroom so drops Alex in it for the whole "didn't do anything" thing, so Leon (18 months) brings these two back with him. At which point Jim orders him to replace him with Glenn, and is instantly obeyed. Hilariously, Glenn immediately tries to do the same thing and get The Actor Michael Sheen put up instead, but Leon (8) just about has enough backbone to stick to his choice. You know, the choice that Jim told him to make. So the final three is who, I'm confused now - OK, it's Leon (14) Alex and Glenn, whose REZ-YOU-MAY LdAlan looks at - wow, two REZ-YOU-MAYs in two episodes, you are spoiling us LdAlan, we usually have to wait until interviews. In these "no obvious scapegoat" situations it's either the PM who goes, or the person who made no discernible contribution. This time it's the latter. Alex, whoever he is, is fired. Again, he just storms out with no "thank you for the opportunity"s. *tsk*

Next week: The shopping list task. Wow, they're really bringing some of these tasks earlier on in the series than usual this year.
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