Oh come on, The Apprentice
, what have I done to deserve this?
Not only does my sweepstake go, he's also the only bloke on this year's show I (currently) fancy. And the episode itself is one of the dullest in Apprentice
history, how am I supposed to write a "hilarious" review of it for the benefit of, er, well mainly me? And it's the shopping list task which has given us some classic moments in the past but nope, nobody's going to try and phone Gordon Ramsey this time, nobody's going to get confused about which religion "kosher" refers to despite belonging to said religion, and consequently LdAlan will not be offering to look at Gavin's cock to check if it's circumcised or not. Although obviously if he does need any help with the latter I'm happy to help investigate.
So yeah, not entirely surprisingly given he didn't feature at all in the snippets of upcoming tasks (seriously, editors, those are really giving quite a lot away,) Gavin's gone and he didn't even get his shirt off. That job falls, this week, to Glenn and actually: Not bad. But before this we need an opening sequence in which LdAlan tells us he's not looking for bladdy salespeople. Do remember this in the following weeks as you watch candidate after candidate get fired because "you didn't bladdy sell!" He also needs someone who's "got the balls to smell what's going on" which suggests LdAlan's grasp of human anatomy is eccentric at best. That, or through some freak mutation he actually does
smell through his balls, which would explain the permanently grumpy expression anyway.
Right then. Melody scores the girls' first point in Phone Wars, Glenn gets his aforementioned tits out, and they go to the Savoy which has been closed for refurbishments but needs some last minute blah blah oh you know this is the 10-item shopping list task, except without anything particularly interesting on the list to jazz things up a bit, so the editors try to make us care that nobody knows what a cloche is ("A restaurant's bell-shaped cover for a plate of food, to retain warmth.") Leon, Glenn and Jim go over to Venture to be led by Susan; Natasha, Melody, Ellie and Zoe go to be Logicians with Gavin, who volunteers despite the Karren of Doom - fool! Her evil mojo failed last week, she'll be out for extra-special revenge this week! Natasha tries to find suppliers by calling the Ritz and asking for theirs. Which gets a lot of stick but is actually a pretty devious technique if you come up with a convincing enough cover story. You know, as opposed to just telling them "Hello The Ritz, we would like to steal your list of exclusive suppliers for a rival."
Susan and Felicity's technique for finding a top hat meanwhile, is a sign of how they will be conducting business all day: Go to the most expensive supplier imaginable, get told a very high price for the item, shout "cheaper!" at the salesperson repeatedly while they look at you with scorn and refuse to budge by a penny (voiceover man doesn't explain, presumably because nobody incurs a fine for it in the end, that paying the first price quoted in this task carries an automatic penalty; let's hope all casual viewers remember this from last series eh? Or all the haggling over a 1p discount might seem like gibberish, and gods forbid that should happen.) Speaking of gibberish, Nick Hewer tells us last time he was in this shop the King of Tonga popped in. So, random, baffling name-dropping is Nick's latest attempt to be relevant. If you say so.
Jim and Edna are being obnoxious while trying to haggle over meat, but this is about all of Evil Edna we get to see this week. Actually Jim really winds me up by getting a deal, then bulldozing a different man into dropping another £10 off as he's paying; it's just rude, although as it turns out this wins them the task. Gavin's team are still on the phones at the hotel, which loses it for them; they then drive 13 miles for lightbulbs. Spivvy gets to lead a sub-team of girls, which he of course thinks will mean the chance to use his natural charm on them; the girls, having met him, know otherwise. Ellie will once again be the star of this segment with a repeat of her "I am NORTHERN and therefore NO-NONSENSE AND THAT" as she announces "He didn't charm me much!" Natasha, whoever she is, "haggles" for a plaque from £20 to £80, which isn't how it's supposed to work, even I know that and I'm not a bladdy enterpreneur. Susan finally gets 1p off a top hat while Gavin tries to find his at a dry cleaner's called "Top Hat Cleaners," whose owner is treated to Karren doing shaky head of disappointment just for him. Melody does not know what the hell is going on. Me and you both, except I also no longer care. Anyway back to Susan and the apex of her day's theme of "GIMME CHEAP!" "NO, LOLZ!" comes as she tries to buy some silk. "It's for a very important client." "How does that make any difference to me?" death-glares shop woman, in what would have been the best moment in the episode if it hadn't been spoilered by the previews. Tsk.
There's a half-hearted atttempt to make it look like Susan might actually lose as Gavin's team gets a lot of better deals than hers, most notably on some tea which Gavin gets for £223; Susan on the other hand goes off to meet The Actress Lyndsey Marshal
in the middle of the street, who despite the presence of cameras blatantly tries to scam them for £900 before finally letting them have the tea for less than half that. Gavin's team has only managed to get 6 items by the time they get to the boardroom and the fines contribute to their losing by only £8. Venture only missed out on one item, their prize is to go get pissed at a cabaret where some twins will flash their minges at them whilst on a swing. LdAlan declares Logic deserved to lose just for failing to get so many items, and you know as well as I do that if the £8 had swung the other way it would have been all "he bladdy got it right, he didn't get everything but he got the best bladdy deal, you thought it was a bladdy treasure hunt."
Gavin doesn't understand why some of the team members appeared to be sabotaging the task from within - yep that's right, I picked him as my sweepy in the hope that he'd be the "good-looking bastard" one, and instead he's that
one, the sweet trusting one with DOOMED tattooed on his soul. Ellie gets in a couple of deserved digs at Spivvy's leching, Gavin brings Spivvy and Zoe, whoever she is, into the firing line. Nick sticks his oar in on events he didn't actually observe and the Karren of doom, bless her, makes a pointless attempt to save Gavin on the basis that his team was entirely made up of cunts. The three come back in and Karren thinks Zoe has a voice, she just hasn't used it. It turns out Zoe has a fucking annoying droning voice and it was much better when she didn't use it, thank you very much. For the third week in a row we get a REZ-YOU-MAY, Gavin's this time, and it says he's good at delegating. Gavin tries to point out that he did delegate well, it's just nobody did what they were supposed to. Anyway, what about Spivvy, do we care that he's here because he's patronising to women? Oh wait, the decision's down to LdAlan so no, we don't care about this. How about Zoe? Alex was fired for being invisible and she's even more so. Actually she's so
invisible LdAlan hasn't noticed she's there so no, Gavin goes. Who am I supposed to fancy now? Glenn I suppose, even with his weird bat-ears. Anyway, by making it to the third week Gavin is still my most succesful Apprentice
sweepie since Michael FUCKING Sophocles so there we have it.