And so it comes round again, here are the top 16 (barring even more fucking wildcards) X Factor
contestants who will be hoping to become massive global superstars like JEDWARD, Matt CARDIGAN and Olly FUCKING Murs. I always say this'll be a short post and I'm always wrong but how can I have much to say about this year's batch? Apart from the fact that this time we've got two
Katie Waissels, at least one of whom has a penis, they're really hard to notice, let alone care about so far. My main gripe at the moment is that all the ones I already had nicknames for didn't make the final cut. I could have spent the next few weeks telling you about the antics of AMUSEMENT PARK SQUIRREL, FAT BIEBER, THIS YEAR'S COMEDY FOREIGNER, SPARE ADELE, THE OESTROGELLES and even reused an 8-year-old nickname for Carolynne Poole¹, THE SPAWN OF BENATAR², but it wasn't to be. Then again I had not only a nickname but a whole series' worth of Vic Reeves-related jokes all ready for THE CLUB SINGER and I'm still glad he's gone.
The people what did
get in are:DAME GARY BARLOW'S BOYS aka TEAM SCOUSER:
Mandele? Madele? Adelbert? Until I come up with a better "male Adele" nickname for Craig it will have to be ADELROY
the John-from-last-year, who turned up in the final rounds despite no evidence of him having been anywhere near the show in previous episodes. Except I do sorta kinda remember Marcus from the auditions, which makes him marginally less obscure than...JAMES MICHAEL
. Seriously, no idea.ARSETAT
is the worst human alive, the first of this year's Hateys and can't sing very well but ooh he's so attractive and OH EXCEPT HE BLOODY ISN'T, IS HE? You want to know how unsexy he is? This is how unsexy: When Seleb Spy first posted this article
, it took me a few seconds to notice that it had been photoshopped, and several more to work out exactly what had been done to it.TOULA CONTOSTAVLOU'S GROUPS:TWO SHOES
And the other three. No, leave me alone, even they're
not entirely sure who's in which group at the moment, I don't see why I should be expected to. The lineup'll probably change again next week anyway.LOUIS WALSH'S OVER 25s:
Two Shoes have probably got the "comedy act who can actually sing a bit" gimmick sewn up for this year which makes me wonder where that leaves JOHNNY ROBINSON
will, I suspect, pretty much cover anything we hear about him for the next several weeks.JANE MCDONALD
. Because, as Helen
memorably said, if Sami was any more cruise ship Leonardo DiCaprio would be sketching her naked. And because people don't seem to like it when I make references to bingo wings on here.KITTY LITTER
. Actually being
Katie Waissel is bad enough. Deliberately going out of your way to become
Katie Waissel is a whole new level of evil.KELLY ROW-LAND'S GIRLS:
land is my favourite new judge. Even more so after she was so low-key telling people they were in the show that hers was the only category not to shit themselves at the news. I'm pretty sure Misha didn't even realise what had just happened.LUNA LOVEGOOD
. Is all I have to say there.SOPHIE HABIBIS
is yet another John-from-last-year. Yes, we've had around 300 hours of auditions broadcast, but they were too full of opportunities to laugh at the mentally ill to spare any time for people who would actually end up on the live shows. I swear the clip of Kelly telling her she was in was the first time Sophie's been shown on screen.AMELIA LILY
is also a contestant on the show.
. Is fun! Can sing! Has a Cornish pasty on her head! Should win! Won't though.
And there we have the whole sorry situation.
¹she used to be Carolynne Good but changed her name to something that didn't raise unreasonable levels of expectation
²because, during her Fame Academy
days, she was nothing if not the living embodiment of 1980s poodle rock