It’s Rock Week on the X Factor
! Get ready to \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/! Or something more appropriate – is there an emoticon for “wanking hand gesture?” Dermot O’Deirdre’s wearing brown shoes with black trousers. Rock’n’Roll!
It’s Gary’s turn to offer up a sacrificial act to go on first, and obviously he picks PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
. But he’s still a Gary act so every X Factor
meme has to get thrown into the VT – this time it’s the sob story, he’s very close to his mum (shocka!) but she had cancer but she’s OK now. He’s doing “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” in a ripped white shirt with lots of rock yelps and air-punching. It’s definitely his best performance so far although I could swear he’s slightly off the beat. (It still ends up being one of the best tonight, and one of the few actual rocky ones.) The judges like it – oh Kelly Row
-land’s hair’s a bit big today. It covers one of her eyes, did someone tell her it was Pirate Week? Gary tells Marcus to go back home and watch that performance; because Strictly
is still on so god knows nobody else saw it.
“My Janet’s going to be here until the end of the competition” says Kelly, and it sounds like a euphemism. Stop touching your Janet, Kelly, you'll go blind. The false jeopardy in the VT this time is that LUNA LOVEGOOD
is boring, which is not so much false jeopardy as “oh, you noticed then?” Janet is interviewed by journalists who pretty much tell her they’d rather be interviewing someone interesting, she defends her right to be who she really is, i.e. a dullard who turns all songs into an identical whining noise. Kudos to the Daily Star
’s Peter Dyke (who I think might be an Ood) for correctly knowing what the term “X Factor” means, something no other fucker on this show seems to. Her song is “Sweet Child O’Mine” (“Sheesh Shild O’Mine.”) There’s a harp on stage. Does anything say RAAAAWK like a harp? I think not.
“She’s from Wales... It’s Sami!” Great intro Louis, I really feel like you know your acts so well. THE PRIDE OF P&O
thinks Cher is Cruise Ship (false) and she doesn’t want to be Cruise Ship (you said you were fine with it last week.) Admittedly, this
version of “If I Could Turn Back Time” is Cruise Ship. It also largely consists of Sami not singing anything resembling the actual tune, missing out loads of the words and barking other ones. She’s wearing a leather skirt and some kind of shoulder pad with spikes on it, and looks like an S&M dinnerlady.OATIBIX
are “your favourite girl band.” Fuck off, CONTOSTAVLOU. 2Shoes were my favourite girl band, and you sent them home. They’re doing a mash-up of “Tik Tok” and Salt’n’Pepa’s “Push It.” Well, they’re making Ke$ha look coherent in comparison so that’s... a thing. The judges argue over the definition of “Rock Week.” MOST. POINTLESS. ARGUMENT. EVER! Everyone knows the theme is “songs,” like it always is.SOPHIE HABIBIS
is next to talk to the journalists, whose purpose seems to be to point out that the boring ones are boring. Sophie is not boring! To prove this she will sing “Livin’ On A Prayer.” Slowly. On a stage filled with candles. Accompanied by piano and acoustic guitar. Indeed, this is truly the definition of rockin’ out. I’m surprised she doesn’t bite a bat’s head off on stage.ADELROY
is “a fantastic artist.” I don’t care about his etchings Gary, what’s his singing like? In his VT he was upset about Nu Vibe going, “most importantly Stefan” – was he the pretty blond one? I mean, I’m not judging, I can understand it. Craig is wearing a Twat Hat and appears to have put that stone back on – why it’s almost as if a radical diet plan isn’t a great long-term idea. Kelly Row
-land wants to know where Craig’s “fun factor” went. He’s being mentored by Gary Barlow, Kelly, where d’you think it’s gone? “STOP BEING FUN CRAIG! FUN IS THE ENEMY!” Speaking of which, he’s doing an even-slower version of “Stop Crying Your Heart Out.” I think the vocal’s a bit off but what do I know? The pointless “what is the theme” argument starts up again as Toula CONTOSTAVLOU complains that the song was turned into a “ballid.” To be fair it always was
a rock “ballid” Toula, admittedly not quite as turgid as that originally but what else did you expect on this show, and from one of Barlow’s acts at that?KITTY LITTER
says she tried a bit of acting (surprise!) but she was terrible at it (I know dear, I remember you “genuinely falling over with emotion” when you were picked at Boot Camp) and tells Louis she’d like to set herself on fire on stage. The thing is Kitty, I genuinely think you mean that, that’s what worries me. She’s doing “Live and Let Die,” with her hair in a vertical Croydon Facelift, and her eye makeup this week involves her having fallen asleep face-down in some tar. There is
fire onstage but it’s kept safely away from her self-harming tendencies, and the projection wall has an exploding fiery skull. I’m kinda warming to Kitty’s appearances despite myself. I mean, I still think she’s so fake you could put her in a necklace and sell her on QVC, but at least her performances involve a bit of, you know, performance.
Oh I’m surprised, I thought after last week they’d give ARSETAT
the Pimp Slot but here he is now. His VT is all about how he went out to a club in the week to get drunked and pull some fit birds And That. Urgh. We don’t actually see
him with any women, because presumably they have eyes. And noses. Oh bloody hell, his performance of “Get Your Rocks Off” starts with the cameras following him backstage as he goes towards the stage, as if this is An Event. Louis looks incredibly confused as Frankie performs, perhaps having finally realised that Frankie is, once again, just speaking out of tune. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU thinks Frankie is rebellious but not as extreme as Gary has made him. I genuinely have no idea what the fuck she is talking about. Oh thank you, Kelly Row
-land, for finally pointing out that the vocals are shit. I mean, she was more polite than that but it’s a start. Gary has been telling us for months that Frankie is amazing. Last week the nation disagreed, and Gary has suddenly decided that he might have bigged Frankie up a bit too much. Barlow must have some pretty strong calves from all that backpedalling.MIX AND MATCH
’s VT is once again all about how they are HETEROSEXUAL. Jeez, protest too much? All I’m getting from this is that it’s a non-stop daisy chain chez The Risk and they’re desperately hoping nobody’s noticed. They’re singing (very badly) “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley. Acclaimed rock act Gnarls Barkley. Rock, Toula CONTOSTAVLOU, rock. That word you say, I don’t think it mean what you think it mean.JOHNNY BEDSIT
was told to do a ballad last week because that’s the only kind of song that is a song, or something. But this is Rock Week and Louis has ignored this and actually given Johnny something appropriate, namely The Darkness’ “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” What with the falsetto and everything, it’s a good choice and Johnny pulls it off although I have to say, I am very disappointed in NotNotLouis tonight, things have been insufficiently mental for my liking.
Maybe MISS MISHA B
in the pimp slot can dial up the insanity? Well, she’s dressed as Tina Turner in Mad Max
(oh, Louis’ gone and pointed it out) and singing “Purple Rain.” I’m not a “ballid” fan but still, it’s embarrassing how many leagues ahead of everyone else in the competition she is, which just makes it worse that she has no hope of winning. But just in case there was a chance of an ITV audience voting for a Confident Black WomanTM
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU decides to put the boot in and accuse Misha of being bitchy to other contestants backstage. Not that backstage might indeed have been the place to bring this up with her, rather than on live national TV, eh? (I originally wrote this: “Louis agrees that ‘one of his contestants’ has said Misha bullied ‘her’ so well done protecting Kitty’s anonymity there Louis.” It took a long
time for me to remember that Sami also exists, which is never a great sign is it?) To be honest Gary and Kelly, who defend Misha, don’t exactly rush to deny the claims either but that’s obviously not what this is about. If someone is causing a problem you take them aside and have a word, this is all about throwing mud and making sure it sticks. Bullying is vile but it’s pretty much what Toula’s doing here as well. What a nasty little conclusion to a pointless episode of a ludicrous show.
Results! “Last night! Was Rock Night!” barks Peter Dickson, as well he might because however many times it’s been said so far I’m still not convinced. Tonight it’s Toula CONTOSTAVLOU’s turn to dress as a Quality Street – she’s the green one. Yeah, they’re nice aren’t they? Shame I’ll now associate them with Toula. God, Gary’s smug “yes, it really is me” nod when he's introduced is the worst thing ever. The remaining contestants will not
be gang-raping a song tonight as there’s 3 (three) guest turns. First up, Kelly Clarkson, singing her new one “Mr Know It All.” I like her, and I like this song, although the opening line is “Mr Know It All, you think you know it all,” which irritates me because the second thing is implicit in the first thing.
Recap, including the whole Misha B bullying debacle; we see Toula CONTOSTAVLOU backstage smugging to camera “no hard feelings eh!” Yeah, ‘cause that totally won’t have affected how viewers see her, and that was all accidental, eh? Vile woman. Second guest turn is Professor Green and Emeli Sandé doing “Read All About It.” Bless how hard Professor Green wants to be Eminem. I saw him out walking his dog once. It didn’t really help with the image. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU is dancing along, waving her hands back and forward and snapping her fingers – I like to think she’s also going “Opa!” Lines close and while the votes are counted it’s the third act, Bruno Mars – I’ve always been a fan of his chocolate bars but I’m afraid I can’t say the same about his music.
Actual results! Through to the next week are: PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS! MISS MISHA B! JOHNNY BEDSIT! OATIBIX for some reason! Who the hell’s voting for them? LUNA LOVEGOOD! ADELROY! SOPHIE! ARSETAT! MIX AND MATCH! Which means the bottom two are KITTY LITTER
and THE PRIDE OF P&O
. “Sami, come on, sing,” introduces Louis Walsh, Voice of Enthusiasm. It’s “(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman” and it’s as you’d expect. Kitty Litter is doing a super-slowed-down “Edge of Glory” while wearing shorts so short even her gynaecologist is seeing more of her than he ever has before. Over to the judges and since they’re both Louis’ acts Dermot O’Deirdre gives us some gubbins about “X Factor
precedent” should he refuse to vote, as if X Factor
precedent is anything other than “what will get rid of the one the producers want gone?” Gary bigs up his part and drones on despite Dermot telling him to get on with it, and finally saving Kitty. Kelly likewise goes on about how they are both able to open their mouths but she’ll also send Sami home. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU saves Sami for the sole reason of putting all the pressure on Louis, who doesn’t go to deadlock and saves Kitty. So Sami is off to pastures new. Well, maybe not pastures, more like seas. Try the veal!
Next week: Halloween theme. Nicole Shitsinger. The Cheryl Cole Voodoo Doll returns. Yes, they’re just making it easy for us at this point.