Last week on The X Factor
, Syco had to rename Rhythmix after stupidly trying to sue a CHARITY! The Risk had another lineup change, as if at this stage anyone will NOTICE! Kelly had DIARRHOEA! And Alexandra BURKE said “OK dot COM!” All these are terrible things but the opening voiceover repeats them for some reason, it’s almost as if half this stuff is fabricated to get attention or something. They don’t mention the thing about them losing viewers to Strictly
, they must have forgotten to add it to the final edit. This week it’s “Dancefloor classics,” which I suspect is less a theme, more a challenge to see how Gary Barlow justifies giving Adelroy “Everybody Hurts” to sing and calling it disco. Dermot O’Deirdre says it’s a guaranteed “ballid-free zone” – I don’t know if he’s taking the piss out of Toula CONTOSTAVLOU or whether that pronunciation is infectious. Kelly Row
-land is back and she’s wearing a big red frock that needs holding up, conveniently meaning she can’t hold hands with Toula CONTOSTAVLOU. She also stands as far away from the other judges as it’s possible to stand while still being on the same stage. But, you know, everything’s fine now. Dermot congratulates her on not having DIARRHOEA any more, and Gary bitches about Alexandra BURKE. Whatever Barlow, next year she’ll be on that panel. Preferably in the seat you’re currently in.
Last week he sang a ballid, which made him worthy of existence in Gary’s eyes. This week, JOHNNY BEDSIT
is for some reason being given the EVER SO ‘UMBLE treatment in the VT, in case having Gary be nice to him once makes him turn all arrogant and evil, or something. I don’t know, this year’s theme that having a stage presence people would pay to see must equate to being COMPLETELY UNREMARKABLE makes my brain hurt. At least then he goes on to flirt with the male dancers. He does a medley of “Hung Up” and “You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)” and the former is back to his squeaky vocals, the latter a bit wobbly. And the staging’s pretty dull after all that buildup about the dancers. Of course it doesn’t justify Gary’s response, which is all I AM SO VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN and calling Johnny a liar to his face when he says he enjoyed that performance. This is the X Factor
, says Gary, not an entertainment show, everyone should stand completely still on stage and bark out ballads like Adelroy. Every week I find it a little bit more unbelievable that Gary had anything to do with Progress
The TV tells us that LUNA LOVEGOOD
predictable and is willing to try new things. Cue her immediately shooting down any suggestion that there be dancers on stage with her because it detracts from the music. Someone manages to chuck a few musicians behind her, probably when she wasn’t looking, to try and make things look interesting. I mean, her “I Want You Back” will
feature Janet stomping to the side of the stage and back, but if you don’t find that quite entertaining enough there’ll be something else to look at. She forgets some of the words. That’ll be the musicians’ fault, distracting her by stealing her precious limelight. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU goes up a tiny bit in my estimation (she couldn’t go much lower) by basically telling Janet that she has no range whatsoever but, you know, in a good way.
FALSE JEOPARDY VT! This theme has deliberately been chosen to sabotage you, Gary tells ADELROY
. He does the DJ Sammy version of “Heaven” – I say DJ Sammy, obviously Gary has got as much of the Bryan Adams version as possible into the arrangement in case by some accident we should spend the whole
performance being entertained, which wouldn’t do. Adelroy does gets a lot more into having dancers and movement in his performance than Luna ever did and actually seems to be enjoying it. Why, it’s almost as if it’s not entirely his own opinion that he should only do one style of performance. Louis compares Craig to “a young Gary Barlow” – I love
that everyone implicitly takes this as an insult. I also love that nobody seems sure if it should be Craig or Gary who’s insulted. Gary’s face implies he
’s been dissed, which is an interesting insight into what he really thinks of his acts. Adelroy tells Dermot that was the best fun he’s had on stage so far – complete with very pointed look in Gary’s direction. Heh, all Gary’s acts hate him.
Last week COMPLETELY INTERCHANGEABLE COLLECTION OF MALE VOCALISTS
were “not perfect,” which is one way of putting it. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU tells them they should “never be going down,” which I’m sure their girlfriends will thank her for. They meet with JLS for advice, which seems an odd choice since JLS actually auditioned as a group rather than being a Frankenband put together in increasingly random configurations, so their advice mainly comes down to “try not to be a Frankenband put together in increasingly random configurations.” The Risk’s caption screen still features a shadowy group because they haven’t had time to film a new one with the current lineup. Either they haven’t had time, or they figure it’d be a waste, and four vague shadows is close enough to whatever configuration it is from week to week. They’re doing Shalamar’s “A Night To Remember” and this time they’ve had the full week to get their harmonies right. It’s made, er, a difference? They’re in black suits with white shirts, plus two of them wearing bright white trainers which look really odd. The Scottish one’s very pretty isn’t he? I can’t get attached though, even if the group as a whole stay much longer, there’s no guarantee any individual member will.
What’s this? Gary saying that dance week should leave PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
in his comfort zone? Well that won’t do, let’s have some false jeopardy about how he’s got a big dance routine and might not be able to breathe. His “Reet Petite” starts in monochrome which is, coincidentally, how Gary sees the world. As ever it’s fun but this time his vocals, not always his strong point, are a lot better as well. Louis then insults him by calling him Bruno Mars. Gary calls it the “performance of the season,” further cementing his transformation into Simon Cowell. We call it a series in this country, Gareth. Marcus is so good I get genuinely worried about his chances of still being here next week, because that’s how this show works.
We see KITTY LITTER
rehearsing her song, which sounds like it might be the theme from the Bodyform ads. But it turns out to be “Like A Prayer.” She starts out with the requisite gospel choir before taking her frock off to reveal a spangly bathing costume. Except the director cuts away from the actual reveal moment. *slow handclap* It’s OK but hardly her maddest moment – I’m barely afraid of there being an onstage suicide at all! Toula CONTOSTAVLOU liked it, Kelly and Gary not so much. Louis says she’s more than just a tribute act. You may recall she was a Madonna tribute act. And what did Louis give her to prove she’s no such thing? A Madonna track. *another slow handclap*
It’s not about the singing with ARSETAT
, says Gary (because he can’t do the singing.) It’s about the whole package (which he also doesn’t have.) For the umpteenth week running, Gary tells him to stop going out and trying to put his skanky little cock into unsuspecting women’s vajayjays because it gets him into the papers, while simultaneously telling him to keep going out and trying to put his skanky little cock into unsuspecting women’s vajayjays because it gets him into the papers. This week he randomly picks the first option, and stays home with Adelroy. Watch out Adelroy, if he spends too long without minge he might decide you’ll do! And I know you’re gay, but nobody’s that
gay. Oh I suppose we’ll have to look at the “performance” now. Spoken out of tune this week will be the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.” Arsetat is wearing a baggy purple vest, because of course that is such a sexay look on someone with no muscle tone. He gets booed. Heh. Louis calls it bad karaoke and says he’ll never be a rock star. Kelly tells Louis never to tell anyone what they can’t be. I still like you, Kelly Row
-land, but this constant telling Louis what he can or can’t say is getting tiresome. I know Louis' role on the panel is Funny Old Gay but this series has proven we actually need him there to make the show remotely entertaining. Plus his success in the music industry may have been because he’s good at the most cynical aspects of it, but cynical is what this show is, so a bit less of the patronising him eh? Then she tells Arsetat that him not being able to sing at all could be a problem with a singing career. Noticing that everyone hated it, Gary takes the blame for the song choice. While it won’t make me like him, at least kudos to Arsetat for pointing at Louis when he says “they know what they’re talking about.” This may not be respect of course – having realised the joke’s worn thin weeks
before the judges have, Arsetat looks desperate to get kicked out, as if he’s enjoying his performances roughly as much as I am.MISS MISHA B
’s amazing ever-changing hairstyles aren’t just for the weekend, even in her VT she goes through a dozen permutations. My favourite is a Mr Whippy ‘do. On stage though it’s a big old ‘fro and her song is “Proud Mary.” She’s in tight leather pants and a white jacket with plenty of cleavage showing because she knows she has to try everything. I’m tired of repeating how out of everyone else’s league she is, at this point it’s just a question of how long being the best act will actually keep her in the show. Positive comments of course, and for once Misha actually replies quite a lot, having realised that her nervous silences in the past were coming across as lofty arrogance.
For some reason OATIBIX
are still here, and still being given a real push by the show, singing on stage with Jessie J (well, it’s in the style of some people who’ve been randomly pulled out of the audience and Jessie occasionally thrusts a mike at one of them,) getting a VT which tries to make us care about them being four separate entities, and getting the pimp slot. The X Factor
couldn’t go a whole show without some Rihanna, and it’s an absolute mess of a ”Don’t Stop The Music.” Lion-O’s supposedly the good one and her opening vocals are bad enough, let alone the attempts at harmonising. Of course everyone claims they were good because they had the pimp spot and that’s what happens. Gary makes another of his mildly homophobic jokes about Oatibix having raided Johnny’s wardrobe. I wonder how the 2 (two) gay acts in his category feel about this ongoing LOLarity? I’m sure they love him for it.
Two acts will go! Can we send Arsetat home twice?
Results show! But before the actual results let’s have some TIMEWASTING! Tonight the judges are back to holding hands, although Kelly continues to look increasingly confused as to what she’s doing there. The group song this week is “Price Tag,” starting with Oatibix who... funny, they sound slightly better than they did when they sang this at the Jessie J gig. Hmmm. For Arsetat’s vocals they’ve decided autotune isn’t enough any more, and have resorted to drowning him out with the Wand Erection Memorial Backing Vocals.
“Time to welcome our first guests, and what a story they have to tell!” What a story indeed. Why, they’re a group, and they had actually met each other
before going on stage together for the first time. It’s JLS, and they’re wearing clothes, not doing backflips and it’s all rather dull so it’s not really what they’re for. Plus Aston has laid off the hair straighteners, which has to be a sign of the Apocalypse, surely. Apparently there’s still time to waste so let’s have Dermot O’Deirdre talk to the acts waiting backstage, a bit like in the Eurovision intermission. He asks The Risk if they think they’ve done enough and it takes them a while to answer, possibly because they’re not entirely sure which of them are actually in The Risk.
Ad break now and WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY IS THIS???? Why it’s the X Factor
finalists simpering through “When You Wish Upon A Star” for the important, musically credible purpose of flogging some M&S bras and knickers for Christmas. Adelroy and Luna Lovegood get the most screentime, not that this should tell you anything. At least Misha gets to go on last, as the star turn what she obviously is. If you squint you can just about see Sophie HABIBIS in the group shot, although she might just be working the tills.
Next up Florence is here, and she’s brought her machine with her. I’m not sure what kind of machine it is; I hope it’s not a vibrator, this is a teatime show. Next it’s the competition, which has a prize involving Rihanna, so one of the suggestions for the missing lyric is “only girl in the kitchen.” I hope Karren Brady isn’t watching, she’ll be over there any minute to tell them they’ve BROKEN FEMINISM.
And finally some actual results; as per last year, a double elimination means a bottom three, with the lowest votes going out automatically and the other two going to the judges’ vote. Through to next week are: OATIBIX! PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS! MISS MISHA B! ADELROY! ARSETAT! (boos from the audience.) And finally LUNA LOVEGOOD! So out of Completely Interchangeable Collection of Male Vocalists, Johnny Bedsit and Kitty Litter, the ones in bottom place and automatically going home are COMPLETELY INTERCHANGEABLE COLLECTION OF MALE VOCALISTS
. See, I knew there was no point fancying the Scottish one, who realises this is his last chance to get a word in and says a whole couple of sentences. Don’t worry, Rimstache will be back next week, as part of the all-new lineup of Oatibix! And if that doesn’t work out, he’s going to have a go at being Misha’s hair.
Both of Louis’ acts are in the sing-off so he has on maximum woobie-face as he introduces JOHNNY BEDSIT
, who will be singing “Unchained Melody.” Frankly I’m surprised; given the stuff about hungering for your love, I thought they were saving this one for Adelroy to sing at the plate of chips Gary won’t let him eat. Now not so much woobie as despondent, Louis introduces KITTY LITTER
doing “Beautiful Disaster,” thus making irony have to have a lie down due to overwork. I can’t see them making any of the other judges go first in choosing between their own acts but they know Louis won't throw a tantrum about it, and he sends Johnny back to the bedsit. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU and Kelly Row
-land do likewise, meaning once again Gary doesn’t have to vote anyone out. So Louis is left with only one act, and one he knows nobody likes, but I think it was the right choice – Kitty is at least entertaining and a couple more weeks in the show wouldn’t have made that much difference to Johnny's upcoming successful career touring provincial gay bars. Dermot asks Louis what Johnny should do next, and Louis is too tearful to reply. Besides, he could hardly be honest and say “drag.”