Previously on The X Factor
, Kitty Litter was interesting but nobody liked her so she had to go, while Amelia Lily wasn’t interesting but lots of people liked her, because boring = good this year, so she came back. This week it’s “songs at least half a second of which has been played in a movie at some point.” If Gummo
doesn’t feature, I’m cutting a bitch.
HETEROSEXUAL Dermot’s HETEROSEXUAL entrance surrounded by his wimminz is this week James Bond themed, although the final pose they strike is more Charlie’s Angels
than Bond. Yeah, I’m including Dermot in that too. Mainly
Dermot. “What an incredible week it’s been! Nothing happened!” Many a true word, O’Deirdre, many a true word. A week where nothing happens is Barlow’s idea of excitement. The judges enter to the Star Wars
theme and Toula CONTOSTAVLOU’s tattoo salute thing looks perilously close to turning into a punch aimed at Louis.
I’ve always thought Gladys Knight’s “Licence to Kill” was a really underrated Bond theme, but I’m starting to wonder if I completely imagined that it was any good after hearing ADELROY
’s version, which he is singing mostly out of his nose and with no sense of fun, danger or sexuality. You know, those things that you wouldn’t associate much with a Bond film. His styling is also even more clean-cut than usual, he looks like a chubby eight-year-old who’s been scrubbed up for his cousin’s wedding. Louis and Toula CONTOSTAVLOU criticise the song choice (actually I think Adelroy could
have conceivably done this one decently if he hadn’t had The Gospel of Bland drummed into him for the last two months) while Kelly Row
-land initially can’t be arsed commenting before saying that he should have added some personality. FINALLY! I mean she says it far too politely and apologetically but it needs saying. Gary has a go at the other two for criticising his song choice because it’s a singing competition, not a song-choosing competition. So Gary (a) I take it you will never again criticise another judge’s song choice and (b) I’ve been watching The X Factor
for a few years now, it clearly isn’t a singing competition.LUNA LOVEGOOD
doesn’t want to be boring, although on the evidence so far she doesn’t want to do anything to prevent it either. She says she doesn’t have anything against pop music other than the fact that it is CLEARLY BENEATH HER AND DISGUSTING. Oh god, she thinks she's CREDIBLE doesn’t she? In the VT we see her going to the premiere of Twilight: Breaking Wind
and turning her nose up at most of the pretty dresses she’s offered because they’re not UNIQUE enough for her special snowflakeness and etc. Kelly Row
-land tells us Luna will be singing a song from the 2003 box office hit How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days
, and Luna proceeds to so “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer, from the 1999 box office hit She’s All That
. I mean, if a song’s been in dozens of movies, at least try and go for the film it was originally
in if you’re going to call it a movie song. This turns out to be Janet’s best performance, but only because it is almost completely identical to the original version, without being slowed down to a crawl and with only minimal added yelping. The staging’s boring though so it’s not too much of a departure - *phew*! Gary says it’s all about the song choice. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What was that, about three minutes from IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SONG CHOICE to IT’S DEFINITELY ABOUT THE SONG CHOICE? Kelly says “Me me? I’m Janet Devlin boo boo.” Of course, this is the woman who sang about thinking of her Nelly when she was with her boo, so the descent into baby talk was only ever going to be a matter of time.MAYBE PINK HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING
sings Aretha Franklin’s “Think,” which yes of course
was specially recorded in 1968 for the 2004 film Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
. I mean, they say Aretha is a genius but it takes a special kind of prescience to record a song for the sole purpose of it being used in the film adaptation of a book that won’t even be written for decades yet. Or maybe it’s, you know, not so much “movie songs” as “songs that are songs that may have been used in movies at some point, or not.” Sigh. Who knew Kelly would be the Simon this year. Oh yeah, Amelia Lily. Well, it’s a girl with pink hair in a tutu barking an Aretha Franklin song. After the break HETEROSEXUAL Dermot promises a “double bill” of Misha B and Oatibix. A double bill? Two acts without ads in between them constitutes a double bill these days? Surely that’s the bare minimum song-to-ads ratio, not a special bonus? At this rate we’ll be getting two ad breaks in the middle of each song. You know, like on ITV Player.
After said break, Dermot is in the audience because he’s spotted David Walliams and has gone up to get pawed by him; then he squees when he also spots Russell Tovey in the audience, as is the correct reaction. Ah, HUMBLE MISHA
, you really shouldn’t need the soap opera sympathy-grabbing VT but there we are, people aren’t voting on actual X Factor so we see her bond with Kelly about both having been abandoned by a parent. When Kelly says it’s a song from The Bodyguard
I suspect that it’s going to be the obvious one and that she’s completed the treble of songs not actually originating in the films she says they did, but actually she’s got it right for once, it’s “I Have Nothing,” which actually did
come from the film. The song’s second line is “I’ll never change all my colours for you” which is ironic, since Misha has been forced to do exactly that and is a pale imitation of her former self. Gary, who has been the head cheerleader for contestants compromising themselves and singing insipid ballads, wishes Misha hadn’t compromised herself and sung insipid ballads.
I think Toula CONTOSTAVLOU just introduced OATIBIX
as her little muffins. Er, OK. In their VT they meet The Saturdays, who are totally looking forward to there being another girlband competing with them because SOLIDARITY etc. They sing En Vogue’s “Don’t Let Go” and they sound OK to be fair, or at least the Wand Erection Memorial Backing Singers do. It’s a bit of a change from their usual peppy style but not enough of one for Gary who, having told Misha not to strip back her signature style, tells Oatibix once again to strip back their signature style. And we knew it was coming but he confirms the true horror: From next week it’s two songs per act *sadface*PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
meets PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA from last year and gets advice from her on keeping his identity. That much professional Scouseness in one room must be setting off some kind of alarm somewhere. We don’t hear her telling him never to move a muscle while performing but there is no way this didn’t happen. He’s doing a song from Ghostbusters
but unfortunately it’s not this
. Hey, remember when this was a show where that could happen? That wasn’t even one of their odder weeks. Instead it’s “(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher,” which Jackie Wilson recorded specially for Ghostbusters II
five years after his death. Marcus really is getting better every week – oh god, you don’t think the poor boy might actually win this poison chalice, do you?
In the results show, Professional Scouser Rebecca will be back. Wait, she’s got a record to promote? You mean she wasn’t just chatting to Marcus out of the kindness of her heart? OH MY ILLUSIONS, HOW THEY SHATTER! And “men of the country rejoice” because Rihanna will be here. So, no women pleased to see Rihanna then? To be fair, if you exclusively sing songs about your vagina, there is
a risk you might get treated as a sex object.
RESULTS! Right, let’s get through this because the end’s the best bit. First we have to get through the group song, which tonight is a “modern classic.” Or, instead of that, they could do Bryan Adams and Mel C’s “When You’re Gone.” Then at the end Bryan Adams himself turns up to join in, for no reason. Dermot O’Deirdre asks Bryan to give the acts some advice. He says they should write their own songs and sing live. Despite this massive hint that he’s never watched the show before, Dermot then asks him to name his favourite act. He desperately says this would surely be partial and unfair, but Dermot completely fails to take the hint that Bryan Adams has no idea who any of these people are. He pushes for an answer until Bryan goes “er, that one” and thus heartily endorses Amelia Lily.
First musical act is yetanotherbloody returnee from last year’s X Factor
, PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER REBECCA. Her song opens with the lyric “Standing in a line, wonder why you don’t move.” No, you bloody tell us why you don’t move Rebecca, we’ve been wondering for the last year and we still haven’t had an answer. Rebecca doesn’t move. She honks her new single. Did you see that article the other day about how Rebecca is CREDIBLE and refused to do an album that she hadn’t written personally? And Syco let her because they don’t particularly care either way? Well on Friday her video came on the TV at the gym and my personal trainer said “Oh, she’s got a nice voice. But she needs to get some better songwriters than this.” I won’t deny it, I actually cackled. After the song Dermot informs us that Rebecca CO
-wrote all her album. Oh, co-wrote is it now? Change a word, take a third.
Dermot asks the judges who was good. Louis says “Little Risk.” Or is it “Little Miss?” “Little Muffins?” “Who Gives A Little Shit?” I told you Louis is good when he doesn’t care any more.
The next special guest is Rihanna, who is dressed as a schoolgirl from Home and Away
and singing something about a hopeless place. Yep, another song about her vagina. The competition prize this week is to get stuck somewhere with Olly FUCKING Murs. They also give you ten grand to make up for it, but it wouldn't be enough.
Results, and through to next week’s show are HUMBLE MISHA! To be honest I’d rather see her put out of her misery at this point but still, yay for the Misha that once was. OATIBIX! PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS! And finally LUNA LOVEGOOD! So in the bottom two this week are ADELROY
and MAYBE PINK HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING
. Don’t worry Amelia, you can get a job advertising revolving doors now. Gary shakes his head in disapproval at the audience (hey they only did what you told them to, i.e. vote for Misha) as he introduces Craig, who will be taking “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” and, naturally, slowing it down to the point that it would be rejected as a funeral track because it’s too much of a downer. He’s also chosen to sing different notes than the ones actually in the song. He looks very pale and ill actually. Maybe it’s nerves, or MAYBE A NO-CARB DIET IS NOT PARTICULARLY HEALTHY, eh Gary? It’s not like he’s lost any more weight on it since that first week. Amelia does a duller version of the Duchess of Gaga’s “Yoü and I” which is shouty but at least it’s much better than Adelroy’s effort. Time for the judges’ vote and it’s Barlow first, and he reacts with as much maturity and grace as you’d expect, i.e. he glares at Amelia and tells her she shouted her way through the song, and is quite rightly booed for it. I mean, you were going to send her home anyway ‘cause she’s up against your act, no need to be rude. I know his comment is technically accurate but that’s not why he made it, or else he'd have continued being honest and told Adelroy his song was an abortion. Kelly then saves her own act as well, and Toula CONTOSTAVLOU sends Amelia Lily home. Louis sends Adelroy home which means for the first time this series it’s...DEADLOCK!
Both acts look resigned to going home but the one actually doing so is... ADELROY! Oh the joy as Gary Barlow goes down to one act and Kelly now has three. In fact Kelly Row
-land has more acts than the other judges put together, although admittedly one of them is now competing with Rimstache for who can get kicked off the show the most times. So Adelroy, who I really think could have been, if not great, at least bearable without Gary sucking the joy out of him, will bore us no longer, and can finally eat that packet of crisps Gary’s been taunting him with for the last couple of months. Gary, by the way, says he hopes Adelroy stays in touch, which I’m interpreting as meaning Gary himself will make no particular effort to do so, but if Craig calls his office they’ll set something up, no, it’s just he’s quite busy at the moment but he definitely
wants to meet up some time, for reals.