It’s the X Factor
Final! I mean, it was the Final before, when MAYBE
A BIT PINK AGAIN HAIR WILL MAKE ME INTERESTING went home, but now it’s definitely
the Final. Tonight two titans will go head to head: Yes, Toula CONTOSTAVLOU and Kelly ROW
-LAND will be fighting it out to see who can appear to be the most epically drunk.
Many numbers exist but now the only number that matters is two
, which is how many contestants are left. Unless the important number is 10,000
which is how many people actually cared enough to turn up in person at Wembley. One of the finalists is a girl band, and this is an unusual occurrence on the X Factor
- can we just get that out of the way now and not have to repeat it every time the show does? Good. Dermot O’Deirdre’s here but it’s Sunday so he doesn’t get his bitches’n’hoes this time, Sunday = golf mime. He introduces the judges, who come on to the sound of “Live and Let Die,” which is apt since that’s pretty much their attitude towards the acts. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU is dressed as a blue mermaid. Dermot then introduces what I hope
is meant to be “the X Factor
finalists,” but it comes out sounding like “the X Factor
finest” and no, Dermot, not even on this show is that true this year. If he actually does
mean to say “finest,” I would expect the Tesco Finest range to sue any day now.OATIBIX
and PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
come on doing the song about Rihanna finding love in a hopeless place (her vagina) before it turns into the usual half-hearted medley featuring, in order, “Party Rock Anthem” with COMPLETELY INTERCHANGEABLE COLLECTION OF MALE VOCALISTS
featuring Rimstache, NU VIBE not
featuring Rimstache unless he ran across the stage very quickly, and 2SHOES WUZ ROBBED
. Then the J-Lo cover of the Lambada with HUMBLE MISHA
, LUNA LOVEGOOD
and SOPHIE WHO?
, joined by THIS YEAR’S COMEDY FOREIGNER
despite the fact that she dropped out before the live rounds. Hey, anything to distract from ARSETAT’s absence, eh? JOHNNY BEDSIT
, THE PRIDE OF P&O
come on next and they tell us that they apparently have the moose like Jagger. Enunciation just isn’t a thing on this show is it? KITTY LITTER
is on the edge of glory, and that’s about it - OMGSOLDIER!!!!
is looking confused somewhere at the back so I suppose TWAT HAT JAMES
is probably there somewhere as well. Heh, Goldie got more screentime than them. The producers don’t shoehorn in JLS and Wand Erection, which is a bit of a surprise to be honest.
First up the two remaining acts will repeat what they think was their best performance of the series, and they will both be wrong: PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
should be doing “Reet Petite,” but he is instead doing “(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher” dressed as a pink highlighter pen, and accompanied by a choir. Kelly Row
-land has been first to raid the free bar and is already a bit tipsy, repeatedly yelling “higher and higher and higher and higher!” at Marcus before announcing she’s in love with him. Olly FUCKING Murs and Caroline CRADLEROBBER are with the “Scouse Army,” although because Dermot can’t say words it sounds more like “Scout’s Army” which is something different and frightening.
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU has started on the gin to catch up with Kelly and is already looking a bit glazed as she introduces OATIBIX
, who should be doing Katy Perry’s “I Rimmed An Alien,” complete with sex doll makeover. They will, instead, be doing “Don’t Let Go.” At least the little jump they do at the start looks hilarious in freeze-frame. Kelly Row
-land has spent the whole song on the sherry, and at the end is sobbing and shrieking “y’all are y’all’s best friend, y’all, y’all know I love y’all” or something along those lines. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU is still lagging behind so just manages to get far too close to the mike and sound like she’s spitting on it. In the audience are some creatures referred to as the “Little Mixers,” which sounds like a series of small-scale singles nights but is apparently some girls who will be doing a rap about Oatibix. Olly FUCKING Murs will be accompanying them with some beatboxing, whether they like it or not. If you cut him in half you’d find the word “cunt” written right through him.
Next they will each be doing Christmas songs. PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
does “Last Christmas” and shouts out “Happy Christmas!” but without a wink into the camera so it’s not a proper tribute to Yellow JLS. Toula is now slurring her words quite a bit but still getting upstaged by Kelly who’s flailing her arms about and fixing her hair during Toula’s comments. When it’s her own turn she just gabbles “Christmas! Christmas!” at Marcus a few times. Gary’s about to do something he’s never done on this show before. No, not be interesting. Silly. He’s asking the audience to vote for Marcus. The mayor of Liverpool unenthusiastically commands us to do likewise, and Olly FUCKING Murs asks Marcus’ fag hag how long he’s been singing for. For about three minutes at a time on average, I would guess, unless it’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “American Pie” or something long like that. Olly FUCKING Murs is pawing her neck and she doesn’t seem too thrilled about it.
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU is now having to concentrate very hard on focusing her eyes on the camera as she introduces OATIBIX
’s Christmas song, “Silent Night.” OH IF ONLY IT WERE! Blonde Oatibix has massive earrings that appear to be made out of tissue paper with the word “OK” on them, which is a fair enough, if a bit generous, verdict on their vocals. Kelly had a sneaky couple of vodka shots when Toula wasn’t looking and is now slurring how good Oatibix sound on that rec.......cord, wishes them a merry fricken’ Christmas, and says she loves their personalised sweaters (knitted specially for them by Mrs Weasley) and they’re so cute and she’d like to take them home and she can totally get home on her own and she hasn’t really had that much, don’t touch her! Gary is staring straight ahead of him ‘cause he doesn’t want to catch those two drunk women’s eyes, speaking of whom Toula wants to know “Who says you can’t win? Who says? SHOW ME WHO SAYS! I’LL TAKE THEM ON! I’LL TAKE THEM ALL ON!” Dermot says he worries every time Kelly says “fricken’” but he really should be more worried about her vomiting all over the desk any minute now. Nobody put Oatibix’s faces on food last night so tonight someone’s done a pizza with their faces on, that looks so unappetising even
Olly FUCKING Murs doesn’t try to pull it apart and stuff it in his face.
Dermot asks the judges what the best thing about this series was. Louis says his category, namely Johnny Bedsit and Kitty Litter but not The Pride of P&O. Toula rants “Oatibix!” a few times because she needs to get back to that bottle of Blossom Hill she’s halfway through, and Kelly just slurs “Dude I can’t even hear what you’re saying” and giggles. Gary says he wanted to stamp his musical style over this series AND HAVEN’T YOU JUST! Anyway, Westlife are about to break up for definite, and never perform together again until a few years pass and they do a couple of reunion tours, with Fat Brian coming back for the second one. In the meantime, they’re doing That One From All The Film Trailers in front of a screen with black and white “highlights” of the series. So that’s a thing. For a split second the video acknowledges Arsetat’s existence – someone’s getting fired for that.
Now why don't we remember some stuff about The X Factor
as well? Remember how, every year, (except last year when they gave each act a different song) the Winner’s Single is chosen to best suit the act the producers want to win? OK, now remember this series, and how up until about halfway through the live shows, Luna Lovegood looked like she was the one chosen to win the whole thing? The voting breakdown released after the final reveals that she was indeed on course to do just that. Remember how Simon Cowell came back one week and suddenly the “Oatibix are friends DESPITE BEING WOMEN!” legend was born? Again, the voting suddenly went from Luna to them. Well, I guess the winner’s single is chosen ridiculously far in advance because Luna’s been gone for weeks now and yet the chosen single is a cover of Damien Rice’s “Cannonball.” I mean, who was that chosen to suit? Not Marcus or Oatibix, and it certainly wasn’t chosen as the perfect vehicle for Amelia Lily to bark into a microphone. I hate going all conspiracy theory but come on, who is that choice of song more perfectly tailored to than Janet? Oh well, she won’t be doing it. One of these two will: PROFESSIONAL SCOUSER MARCUS
first (don’t they usually swap around who goes first between the first and second half of the final? I know they don’t want him to win [neither do I, for different reasons] but they don’t have to be so obvious about it.) Anyway the song doesn’t suit Marcus’ range remotely, nor his performance style, as that would mean some actual performance and this song doesn’t require any. There’s a key change to wake us up though. Toula unconvincingly says nice things to Marcus and ends with “good luck, lots of love.” She may as well add “goodbye, we shall never speak again.” Kelly can just about still form words. Gary says that should be the winner’s song tonight. Well it will be Gary, they’ve also given the same song to Oatibix. Then we get possibly the most offensive part of the whole show, as Marcus gets video messages from all his loved ones, except for his long-term boyfriend obviously, as he’s been excised from this as from everything else on this show. Fat Bob, however, is somehow included in the VT. (This last-minute whitewashing of Marcus’ sexuality is putting a bit of a damper on the fact that an openly-gay, heavily tattooed, mixed-race boy got to the top two in a competition where I genuinely didn’t think the audience would be too thrilled about any of those things.)
Toula CONTOSTAVLOU could really do with a bit of a lie-down now because keeping up with Kelly is hard but first she must introduce a VT of OATIBIX
crying, before they perform the same song. It takes a long while for the Wand Erection Memorial Backing Singers to kick in, which means for some time we have to listen to Oatibix’s actual
voices. Have we not suffered enough? Lion-O cries at the end. Kelly has had her second wind and is vaguely coherent. Toula, on the other hand, is sobbing and telling them she loves them all. Oatibix also have a family VT, but once again it’s more important that the celebs (this time Pip Schofield, Holly Willoughby and Jessie J) go first.
While the last few votes come in Coldplay perform. There’s a very impressive staging involving the entire audience having been given flashing coloured wristbands to wave about and it all looks spectacular. This is to distract from the fact that the band on stage are Coldplay. Let’s move on quickly.
OK, the phone lines are closed, Marcus comes on stage with Barlow, Oatibix come on with Blue Mermaid Tulisa. The winner is............. obviously OATIBIX
. The first group to win The X Factor
, the first girl group to win The X Factor
, says Dermot. Well yes, if a group hasn’t won before, then by definition a girl group hasn’t won either. Condolences to Marcus, then Dermot O’Deirde shows Oatibix the cover of their CD single and they get excited – I’m surprised they even know what one of those is. They do look a bit confused about the whole thing, though not as confused as Toula who grabs it, waves it over her head and will probably start wailing “We Are The Champions” before puking in a hedge if someone doesn’t stop her. Instead she rushes back to the desk because she and Kelly are in the middle of a light-your-own-farts competition. Oatibix now have to do their song again, and Dermot introduces the winners’ single: “Cannibal.” Honestly Dermot, just because Lion-O’s not the skinniest girl doesn’t mean she eats people. Then again, throughout the song Oatibix also now seem to be singing “float like a cannibal” so maybe it wasn’t just Dermot’s appalling enunciation again and they’ve actually changed it. Maybe they don’t have to pay Damien Rice as much if they do that. Near the end of the song the rest of the losing contestants all come on to hug them, at the specified moment when the Wand Erection Memorial Backing Singers are doing most of the work, so even though Oatibix are too busy hugging and squealing to actually do any singing, the song doesn’t sound any different.
Oh, it’s over. This year I very really didn’t think it ever would be. The X Factor
will return next year. If you want to put money on Kelly Row
-land returning with it, I imagine you’ll be able to get some pretty high odds.