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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
5th-Apr-2012 04:26 pm
This week on The Apprentice it's the Cheap Laughs At Men In Plastic Hairnets Task. Sorry, I meant to say the Food Task.

Tortoise gets the first point for the girls in Phone Answering Wars, and just like last week the girls are all up and doing their makeup while the boys are all still asleep in bed, and this is definitely how it happened and not just how it was edited together because they wouldn't do that sort of thing on this show. They are St Katherine's Dock-bound, where Jane says she hopes they don't get the inevitable team reshuffle because "there are a few weak people on their team." Unlike your team, then, which those weaklings thrashed two weeks in a row. As Arctic Monkey Nick's hair blows cheekily in the breeze, LdAlan sends him to Sterling along with Rubbish Jedi, while The Blonde Assassin will be doing her assassining on Phoenix this week. The food task this year is... condiments! Rubbish Jedi volunteers for PM, gets it, and they soon agree on chutney. Assassin goes up against Toothlicker on Phoenix, and assassinates his chances of leading. Adam makes sure to patronise her right away, in case he doesn't have time later. Her team will be doing a table sauce.

On Team Chutney, Jane will be doing the figures, because she was rubbish at them last week because she's a BLADDY WOMAN and will make up for it this week or something. Other than having lovely hair, Arctic Monkey's entire contribution this week will involve agreeing to Pearl Necklace and Tortoise's decision to call the product InFusion. Team Las Ketchup go with Toothlicker's idea of "Belissimo," which they concentrate so much on making sure doesn't mean "turd sandwich" in Italian, they don't consider whether they've spelt it right. Ironically, thanks to this show, that spelling of "Belissimo" now does mean "turd sandwich," in all languages. Although it's basically some ketchup, the label will just be a picture of a red pepper, because of reasons. InFusion's packaging meanwhile will be oh look, another cute designer!

In the production sub-teams, the boys don't like the Belissimo label, Adam holding forth on how the label should have looked long after the event, because he's That Person. Team Chutney meanwhile has misunderstood the part of the Food Task that specifies "Food," in that it should be edible, and have to start again when the chutney turns out to be the other thing, the "I wish I'd never been born rather than having to suffer this agony" thing. So the other sub-team has no sample as they go into a pitch. But Pearl Necklace describes it as "rustic and revolutionary" which will totally make some buyers risk it. Oh, it won't. Then Team Las Ketchup is told that the word is supposed to have two "L"s in it. Oh no, you're thinking of the word "Bellissimo," which means, well they're not sure but it's hopefully a good thing. Whereas this is the brand-new word "Belissimo," which means something they couldn't quite get into the bottle without watering down, then scraped some of the stuff that had fallen onto the side of the vat and shoved that in bottles too, because they'd ended up two batches short of what they'd budgeted for.

Next day, and each team splits into one half selling full-price to the public and one selling to trade, because that's what the producers told them to do. Sweaty Stroke Victim Michael is in charge of Sub-Team Las Ketchup Trade, and is somewhat less than a natural at haggling. Or at selling anything at all, it turns out. Azhar and Tom eventually push Michael out of his own negotiations, and he can't even muster up enough energy to be bitchy to camera about it. He is so doomed by now. They eventually end up trying to flog it to corner shops for £1 and still have stock left over in the end. As they try to explain this on the phone there's the usual excuse-making and "you don't know what it was like man, you weren't there man," except Tom cuts through the bullshit and apologises for them fucking up. Which makes me like him, but also makes me wonder if he's quite right for this show. I mean, cutting though bullshit instead of adding to it? Meanwhile Team Chutney get a second chance at the wholesaler, this time with an actual sample, and get an order for 300 jars. So basically that bit about them not having a sample yesterday was entirely false jeopardy and will have no bearing on the final result.

Boardroom! The travel montage seems to imply that the boardroom is in the Barbican. Which maybe it is, there's bound to be some hidden basement level suitable for LdAlan to have his lair. Good team leader? gets a yes for Blonde Assassin, who is pleased that she was obeyed. To be fair she did threaten to assassinate them if they didn't. Joke's on them, she'll probably do it anyway because she Just! Likes! Killing! So! Much! Meanwhile Rubbish Jedi was also a good team leader, except if you ask Jane, who was less than impressed because she wanted to be team leader instead, which is why she never mentioned this when they were having that discussion. Then Nick Hewer attempts to make fun of Rubbish Jedi by misusing the word "machismo" when he means "macho." You obviously don't know your Sinitta tracks Nick, she didn't sing "So Machismo," did she? Whatever, Team Las Ketchup done made £585.56p profit, Team Chutney done made £1028.68p profit so Team Chutney done won by quite a lot and they get to go to Silverstone and drive cars. Ricky Martin makes sure to look proper gutted at missing out as it's a BOY TREAT and he is a BOY! Don't worry, Ricky Martin, Sterling won't actually enjoy their treat, Jane and Rubbish Jedi will still be mainly concerned with bitching to camera about each other despite winning.

At Loser Café, Ricky Martin tells us that everything good that happened was down to him, and everything bad was down to everyone else. He shook his Bon-Bon and everything! Back in the boardroom, the failure is boiled down to the fact that Ricky Martin was in charge of the kitchen disaster, and the fact that Sweaty Stroke Victim Michael exists. So they're brought back in, Ricky Martin trying to talk Assassin out of her decision and failing. When they're out of the room Nick Hewer tells LdAlan that Michael "does the occasional good thing" but is, unsurprisingly, unable to elaborate. Assassin's actually pretty calm and confident when she's back in the firing line, possibly because she's noticed Michael is there with her, a man who isn't even able to pull off the "I wasn't born with a silver spoon" defence. Seriously, he tries it and it doesn't work on LdAlan. On LdAlan! This is how doomed Michael is. There's a bit of bickering just to kill time, then LdAlan tells Ricky Martin it was all his fault but he's going to fire Michael anyway because any more of this and he might have another stroke. Michael is driven off in the cab when suddenly there's a sound of glass smashing and the cab windows are splattered bright red! All those unsold bottles of Belissimo? Or has the Blonde Assassin struck again?

Next week: The rubbish task. No, not the task that's a bit rubbish - that's almost all of them. I mean the task that involves actual rubbish. And is, also, a bit rubbish.
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