Log in

No account? Create an account
So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
17th-May-2012 03:48 pm
This week on The Apprentice, it's sort of the Margate task but with fizzy wine. Nobody suggests English Sparkling Wine should be rebranded for The Gays, which is a bit of a disappointment. Toothlicker answers the phone in a voluminous dressing gown that should probably have his phone answering point docked from him. They're to meet LdAlan at St Pancras International's Champagne bar, where they're going to be told that champagne blegh, English Sparkling Wine yummy, and they have to tell the world this, via the medium of website and unwatchable online ad. The teams are off-balance but LdAlan can't be arsed reshuffling them 'cause Barren Krady's had a bit too much of the complimentary champagne backstage and he thinks he might be in there. So Phoenix can pick whoever they want from Sterling to play on their team, and Adam, of all people, practically jizzes in his pants as he squees "Nick! Nick!" The rest agree, and Nick joins Phoenix, while Sterling look sad to see his lovely hair go.

All of Sterling want to be PM, because for some reason instead of being the kiss of death like every other year, this year it somehow grants you immunity from being fired - seriously, I don't think any PM's been fired this season, even when the loss was blatantly their fault. They agree to each vote for someone else, and Toothlicker votes for himself, to remind us that Phoenix aren't the only team with a resident vegetable. It's explained to him again and Ricky Martin shakes his bon-bon into PM position. Meanwhile Tom is Phoenix PM for the second week running because wine is his day-job, and we all remember how well his specialised KNOWLEDGE and ENTHUSIASM served him last week. Then this team's weird man-child creature, Adam, has the concept of champagne explained to him, and pretends to understand it. Unfortunately the more examples Tom gives him ("Coca-Cola is a brand name, but we say 'Coke' even when we mean any other cola") the less he seems to grasp the idea.

Tortoise and Toothlicker go to Tesco for "research," and it's much like a mum dragging her hyperactive child around the supermarket and looking longingly at the wine as her treat for when she can finally dose up the little fucker on Calpol and have some time to herself. Said little fucker is running around trying to find a shelf-stacker in the certain belief that every Tesco has an in-house Jilly Goolden who'll tell them what the hell they're supposed to do. Tortoise ends up going off to the car shouting "Come on! No you can't go on the Postman Pat ride!" Then Tortoise, who is also in the design studio having made use of the Nick'n'Karren cloning machine, comes up with an "English rose" logo for the campaign which is actually quite good, and Toothlicker, who thinks English Sparkling Wine should have a generic name like "champagne," and having suggested "chink" has now gone for "grandeur," which Hick snits in the background is a French word.

Ricky Martin and Jenna are planning the ad, which will feature a wedding, and therefore must have thrones. What? Jenna totally plans for her wedding to have thrones. No, it's not chavvy, right, because what you don't know is she's totally going to marry Prince Harry one day, she looked at a photo once and she just knew that if he ever met her that would be it and he'd fall in love with her instantly and she'd be a pwincess, and they would have a wedding with THRONES. Jenna gets paired with Toothlicker to make the ad, which totally mustn't be cheesy says Ricky Martin, and good luck with that. THRONES. The advert is of course awful but it does say "English Sparkling Wine" a ridiculous amount of times which is usually enough to win these tasks, so at least she's been paying attention to past series. A bit.

We don't see anywhere near as much of Team Tom this week, which is a teeny bit of a clue how things will pan out. On the first day Tom and Adam basically go off and get pissed at wine tastings, and Adam's redemption arc continues as he "adorably" (sorry, but I'm not falling for this, you know as soon as the camera looked away he told the nearest woman to go make him his dinner) tries to describe a wine as being a bit like Christmas cake. Jade and Nick have been doing the marketing and the website, coming up with an "ESW" logo, which cuts down on me having to type "English Sparkling Wine" every time, and which they suggest should be on all bottles of ESW, to tie into the campaign. To be honest if anything won them the task it was surely this? They also film the advert, which sees Adam once again get confused about what the word "choreographer" means, and run around like this episode's second excitable child, this time with Jade as the mum quietly tidying up after him. Tom thinks the resulting ad is boring, and let's face it, he would know.

The "next" "day" they're pitching to a panel who will give their thoughts to LdAlan to ignore. Ricky Martin's pitch starts inoffensively enough, but when the advert and its THRONES gets aborted onto the screen things get trickier. Toothlicker defends the slogan "Less fizz, more sparkle" as being somehow "subliminal." To be honest that's not the tagline I'd be worried about, considering the ad ends with the line "Oozing luxury with every pore!" I know that when I want to get someone's tastebuds excited, "oozing" is definitely the word I'd go for. "It's like drinking the pus of the angels themselves!" "English Sparkling Wine: Suck on the weeping sore on God's own arse-cheek!" Anyway, Tom's presentation: Also flawed, but in not quite as entertaining a way.

BOARDROOM! LdAlan calls Tom PMing for the second week in a row "brave to say the least," and it doesn't sound like he means it as a compliment. His campaign also completely missed the point and seemed to be targeted at people who already buy ESW. Plus it was really boring, at which point LdAlan gets possessed by the spirit of Alexander Girl I Know What You Like Burke and proclaims it "www dot yawn dot com." Then on to Sterling, and Ricky Martin immediately jumps in with how the other team had Tom (wine expert,) Nick (website designer) and Jade (marketing bod) so they were totally Goliath, and his team were David, but David always beats Goliath (well to be fair as far as I recall they only fought once, I don't think you can say David always won unless there's evidence of a rematch) and they were totally the underdogs but he's watched the show before and LdAlan likes underdogs who give it their all, eh LdAlan, eh, eh? Derren Brown he bladdy ain't. Toothlicker says "underdog" a bit too just in case the message hadn't come across. LdAlan tells us about the experts' verdict, and claims to agree with it, but the result seems to be that Phoenix completely failed to follow the task they were set (although this series when has that ever mattered?) but, er, because of the advert Sterling have lost. I kinda suspect he might have been planning to give them the win to start with, but history's most inept attempt at using psychology ("We're the underdogs! You like underdogs! Wink!") was just too unforgivable. Besides, this week's reward involves a hot-tub, and the internet's gays are getting restless because Nick hasn't got his nipples out yet. So Phoenix get sent to a rooftop hot-tub, Nick gets his nipples out, and the internet's gays deliver their verdict of "much as we expected, not that toned but not bad."

Back in the boardroom, Ricky Martin's ever-so-'umble approach blows up in his face when LdAlan interprets it as defeatist. Jenna and Toothlicker, who made the ad, are grilled on why it was so shit and full of THRONES and because wide-eyed panic is Toothlicker's automatic response in the boardroom he tries to deflect attention onto Tortoise, who apparently did nothing (apart from design the website, the actual campaign and the English Rose logo LdAlan specifically said he liked.) Ricky Martin defends Tortoise by saying "in Gabrielle's case we had two melons... two elements."

Tortoise fights back with the fact that Toothlicker didn't know what he was doing; Toothlicker demands "specifics!" so she tells the supermarket story about how he wasted their time. He still demands "specifics" as if she hadn't just explained. How much more specific did he expect the story to get? "Well, he finally found this girl in a Tesco uniform. Her name's Gemma, she only started on the tills last week and she was on a fag break. He demanded she find him something light on the tongue with hints of coconut and diesel. HE MADE HER CRY!"

Anyway obviously Toothlicker and Jenna are brought back into the firing line because the ad they made was the only reason LdAlan gave for them losing. He won't fire Ricky Martin because he's PM and that somehow doesn't happen any more. Stephen is too fucking mental to get rid of just yet, and asks to be made PM next week and if he loses, er... well he'll be PM so he'll probably be safe anyway, right? So Jenna is fired because, um, I dunno, her voice is really annoying.

So Jenna goes off in her taxi, not sounding very convinced in her compulsory "LdAlan will regret not working with me" and finally her own voice irritates her so much she falls asleep. And then a Blonde Assassin in a stripy jumper appears and... See, I don't have Sky Atlantic so I haven't seen Game of Thrones, but I understand it has quite gruesome deaths in it. And given this week's shenanigans I think something THRONE-related would be apt so, I dunno, pick your favourite Game of Thrones death and there, that's what happened to Jenna. Assassined! THRONES!

Next week: Negotiating discounts for a website. I KNOW, IT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY FASCIFUCKINATING!
This page was loaded Apr 26th 2019, 12:31 pm GMT.