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So anyway,
Because what the Net really needs is another person sharing his uninformed views
4th-Jun-2012 03:17 pm
It's the Apprentice Final, it's the interview round, and Margaret's back. I mean that should do as a summary of this week's episode right? But I'll do a bit more anyway. We start exactly where the last episode left off, plunging us straight into the action - it's like "The Body" from Buffy, except thanks to the Blonde Assassin there's a hell of a lot more corpses on that sofa. After last week's hot sex action, Tom and Ricky Martin seem to have settled into coupledom, sitting at the kitchen counter with a nice buffet they've prepared for the returning Nick and Jade. Then Tom gets the final phone answering point, and this year's NotFrances couldn't be arsed calling the Apprenti so LdAlan has to do it himself, asking them to prepare their business plans over the next 48 hours. This year the interviews will be held in New Broadstreet House - as if the actual address matters, the main thing when choosing an interview location is "somewhere with a nice big staircase for LdAlan to Norma Desmond his way down." And now we finally get to find out what the hell this lot have come up with as their business plans:

Nick: An online service that allows you to one-click order the ingredients for recipes easily.
Tom: A wine-based hedge fund.
Ricky Martin: A recruitment company for wrestling biochemists.
Jade: A call centre designed the fill the remaining three minutes of the day when I'm not being phoned by telemarketers.

So to summarise: Boring, boring, boring and pure evil. Not to be confused with Pure Evil.

The four interviewers remain the same as last year, because none of them have had to be quietly retired because of their business hilariously going under: Mike Souter, Matthew Riley, Claude Littner and The Blessed St Margaret of Mountford, hallowed be her name.

Nick walks in and calls Margaret by her first name, but doesn't get bollocked for it 'cause he's prettier than StuBags and even the mighty Margaret is only human. Nick's CV says he's very intelligent - actually it says "my intelligence makes my thinking better," which possibly conveys the opposite message. When Matthew interviews him he makes a feeble attempt to say Nick's business idea is rubbish because nobody with two kids has time to plan their meals out in advance. Seriously? Because I would have thought if you've got two kids and a job, planning meals out in advance is the only way to make sure you get any meals at all. And I've never seen an apprentice's business plan get so many people on Twitter saying they'd want to use it. Margaret asks him about his Von Trapp childhood in Switzerland without a TV - Nick says "not having had it probably made me want it more." Margaret has NEVER BEEN SO AROUSED.

Clod says the one accurate thing he's ever said or is ever likely to say when he describes Jade's plan as a "grubby little business." Especially since, in close-ups of her CV, what she plans to sell with those cold-calls seems to involve those shifty loan companies with 7 billion per cent interest rates that are constantly advertising on 4Music. The finances in her plan are a bit dodgy too. Jade wants a drink after her Clod interview - fortunately she's kept some drunken jellies aside. Matthew asks Jade if there was any Business Studies in her degree, she says no, he says she's obviously forgotten about the Business Studies A'Level show got an N in. Well possibly because you asked her about her degree, not her A'Levels, d'ya think? Matthew's so rubbish. At least he's not asking people questions in an imaginary elevator this year.

Margaret says Ricky Martin has described himself as the Norse god Thor in his CV. Thor? He'th tho thor he can hardly thit down! Especially after that hour-and-a-half's drilling from Tom the other day. Mike brings up the elephant in the room, and Ricky Martin says that yes he actually has noticed that he's got the same name as a famous Latin-pop homosexual, but he thinks it makes him memorable. As does the wrestling biochemistry. Matthew then tries to re-hash the tired old "saying exaggerated rubbish on your application form for a reality TV show, that's not very professional is it?" line, as does Clod who then has to admit Ricky Martin's actual business plan is... er... well this is a bit embarrassing, but it's actually a good business plan. It's almost as if Ricky Martin knew that pretending to be more of an idiot than he is would get him this far on a TV show, at which point he could show off his actual expertise, but that is VERRA, VERRA UNLIKELY!

Mike Souter reads out a glowing reference in Tom's CV - except, wah-wah-wah-wah... it turns out to be written by his dad. Who, as has already been pointed out, is the only person Tom has ever worked for, so who the fuck else did Mike expect to give him a reference? The Gits are really struggling with this lot this year. He then tries to catch Tom out in that his dad actually did his homework for him because the business plan is too good, and it looks like ZOMG liar twist is about happ... oh no wait, turns out Tom did do his own homework. Tom's CV says he was known as a "BNOC, or Big Name On Campus." Margaret asks if he was sure the "N" stands for "Name." Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Margaret Mountford, doing the (k)nob gags before the internet even gets a chance to. Clod wonders why LdAlan should give that much money to someone for a new company... um, 'cause that's the whole point of the programme?

Overall, this round is carnage as ever... except this time it's a resounding victory for the Apprenti over the Gits. Mainly because all four Apprenti, in all four interviews, blatantly look like they're trying not to laugh.

LdAlan interrogates the Gits, then it's BOARDROOM! for the last time. The four have to do their last bit of grovelling for the investment. Jade's grovelling involves having to point out that the business she's proposing is actually legal which, yeah, if you're having to do that it's not a great sign. Jade, you're bladdy fired. Just have a bit of a sit-down in the waiting room, try not to fall asleep... Oh, you have. A blonde figure in a red stripy jumper approaches, carrying a plateful of jellies. "On the one hand," she says, "these jellies are all poisoned. On the other hand, they're Drunken Jellies, so they will get you pissed." Jade thinks about it for a second, then shrugs "worth it" and necks the lot. ASSASSINED!

Back-and-forth, back-and-forth a bit, then, yeah, LdAlan still hasn't quite worked out what Nick's business is so he's also bladdy fired. As he snoozes next to Jade's corpse, a blonde figure in a red stripy jumper approaches, and pelts him to death with cuckoo clocks, cheese, Toblerone, Nazi gold and any other Swiss cliches I've forgotten. ASSASSINED!

So it's down to two. Tom's business is a Risky Business. Oh, right, I mean I didn't quite understand all this hedge fund stuff but now I see it involves Tom dancing around the living room in his underwear. Ricky Martin's on the other hand is a safer option. And for all we've been calling this a boring series, we ended up with a final where the safe option is a wrestling biochemist called Ricky Martin so, you know. LdAlan is a bladdy pensioner now so the winner of The Apprentice is... Ricky Martin! Tom looks sad, not just because he's lost but because this also means he has to be the bottom when he and Ricky Martin get back to the Apprentcave. He goes off for a nap to build his strength up, and in his dreams a blonde figure in a red stripy jumper approaches, and slightly musses up his hair, causing him to instantly die of shame. ASSASSINED!

So Ricky Martin done won this year. During the "You're Hired" section afterwards, Dara O'Briain runs his fingers through Nick's hair, the camera cuts to Gabrielle in the audience and I tweet this:

Gabrielle doing "I do that to Nick's hair every night, ha!" face #apprentice
9:54 PM - 3 Jun 12 via TweetDeck

Gabrielle then favorites my tweet, which as far as I'm concerned is proof that it's 100% accurate.

And that's me done with another Apprentice year. What's next? Oh, The X Factor, Doctor Who and Merlin are probably all going to coincide this autumn, aren't they? To be honest I'll probably skip reviewing Merlin if that happens. Actually I'll probably skip it even if they don't coincide, because last year's reviews all basically said "I'm barely paying attention any more."
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