Because I still persist with watching Merlin
of a Saturday night, I usually record the overnight ITV2 repeat of The X Factor
so I can do these recaps on a Sunday morning. But I was theatreing rather a lot this weekend, and when I finally got round to watching Saturday’s first leg of the 2012 final, it turned out all I’d recorded was hours and hours of home shopping. Far superior, as entertainment goes, I’m sure you’ll agree. Now, I could try the dubious joys of the ITV Player so that this year’s commentary is complete, but let’s face it, I’m not going to. I’m going to take the PVR fail as a sign that my life is a better one without it. Which means we can now look at Sunday’s final-bit-of-the-Final with no trace of THE MILKY CORNFLAKE whatsoever. A bit like the show itself, which got out the Vim and scrubbed away any sign that The Mersey Strangler had ever had any part in proceedings.
So we’re down to the final two, and awful though they are, they’re both Shitsinger’s acts, finally giving a little bit of vindication to the much-maligned idea that being an entertaining judge could possibly pay dividends. (Although much as I’ve enjoyed her stylings over the series, before we clamour for her canonisation let’s not forget she gave The Sinister Giggler “Imagine” to sing. IN THE FIRST WEEK.)
Maitre d’ermot tells the audience in That Manchester that it’s the final results show, and they give the word “final” the biggest cheer of the night, as do I. The judges come in to “Live And Let Die” – I’m thinking “live” for Louis, Shitsinger, maybe Toula CONTOSTAVLOU; definitely “let die” for Barlow. The eliminated contestants, minus Christopher who’s gone back to his nan’s where he can call people cunts to his heart’s content, perform “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” They’ve even prised Carolynne out of the audition queue for Latvian Idol
to take part. I have no idea what’s going on with The Tributes From District 3’s vocals; that’s not autotune, it’s autopinkyandperky. Then, the show finally acknowledging that he was the closest thing to a star turn this year, Rylan turns up, in a fur coat, to do “Last Christmas.” Lucy is also missing from the line-up, understandably; I can’t see The Remaining 66.6%, either. Maybe 33.3% is holding them hostage for all that money they didn’t make. Anyway, James and Jahmene arrive during “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,” which cues a recap of last night’s show. Eh, it doesn’t look like I missed much. Time for some ads.
I did catch a bit
of last night’s show, so had seen Dermot’s attempts to make asking members of the audience who gets to decide the winner a “thing,” and their utter failure to reply “we do!” This pretty much continues tonight, I’m pleased to report.
Well we’re 20 minutes into the final of a singing competition, maybe we should have some singing. First it’s a repeat of a song the acts performed earlier in the competition that they want to do again, and THE SINISTER GIGGLER
has chosen “Angels.” I approve, since this was the biggest fuck-you to Barlow of the whole series, so why not have it again? Then again, since he’s not singing any of the same notes Fat Bob does, maybe it’s more of a middle finger to him? Anyway, Jahmene’s backdrop is lights giving his angel wings. SUBTLE. Louis informs Jahmene that he’s in the final. Thanks for the useful critique Louis! Whatever the hell it is Toula says, she says it with the same lack of enthusiasm with which she approaches fellatio. The crowd drown out whatever dreariness Barlow comes out with. I think Shitsinger is trying to do “moved to tears” but it comes across a bit more “squeezing out a big poo.”
Next up, he’s got FISH and CHIP tattooed on his knuckles, it’s PAOLO NUTELLA
! He has previously performed in pubs, if you hadn’t caught that bit of information over the last ten weeks. His repeat performance is “Let’s Get It On,” which is probably a good choice as it was one of the few performances which showed a bit of variety and singing ability. Of course, he doesn’t get a guitar for this one, so once again the backdrop shows him playing one, in case we forget about his AUTHENTICITY. Louis says Shitsinger is the best judge ever. Duh. Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says she’s said all this stuff before but she’s going to repeat it ‘cause thinking of something new would need a level of commitment she clearly doesn’t have. Barlow says James will get his own label. Steady on, Barlow, let him get a deal with someone else's label first. He says he’s ready to download James’ album; illegally of course, he ain’t paying for that shit.
Then we get a recap of the whole series from the judges’ point of view. I like how many recaps this final has, the more stuff there is for me to fast forward, the sooner the agony ends.
We’re here to find out who’s going to win this year’s X Factor
, and here to remind us how important winning is are the biggest act to come out of the show. Yes, they came third to Matt Cardigan (currently finally
putting that second coat of paint on those hotel rooms,) it’s Wand Erection. They’re doing “Kiss You” to a massive Tron
-style backdrop but the X Factor
techies haven’t forgotten how they used to deal with the band’s unique kind of talent: Zayn’s mic is turned off. Both Blond Erection and Miniature Nicholas Hoult Erection get to do a teeny bit of singing though, which is a new development.
Moar recap, moar ads, moar recap, and now a party political broadcast on behalf of the Conservative party! Yes, the three finalists (because this was filmed during the week when there were still three of them) went to sing carols outside Downing Street with David Cameron and some disabled children. Not pictured: Christopher calling the disabled children cunts. Definitely happened though.
Hey, have you been getting worried because there’s been almost a whole straight hour of television without Emeli Sandé on it? IS SHE ALL RIGHT? It’s OK, she’s here to do one of her songs. What’s it going to be like, I wonder? *crosses fingers for “insufferably tedious”* Yes! It’s insufferably tedious! To liven things up a bit, the backdrop video is inspired by the image of someone jizzing in the bath.
Oh yeah, this show has contestants. This year is one of those where they all get different winners’ singles, presumably because if Christopher had got to this stage he’d have been giving us his rendition of “My Neck, My Back” by now. Instead it’s THE SINISTER GIGGLER
who will be buttfucking “Let It Be.” Ah, The Beatles. I mean, people like them and all that, but the trouble with them is that they had all the wrong notes in their songs, so here’s Jahmene to put the right ones in. The judges say… I don’t care what the judges say.PAOLO NUTELLA
’s winner’s single is “Impossible.” Perhaps to distract from the noise on our TVs at the moment, all the internet cares about right now is that the song was originally performed by Shontelle, and she had an album called Shontelligence
. Who knew Nicole Shitsinger went around naming people’s albums for them? Toula CONTOSTAVLOU says James has been to “the depths.” HE HAD TO LIVE IN A FLAT! IT WAS QUITE A SMALL FLAT! WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE START A CANNED FOOD DRIVE FOR HIM? Barlow continues to dish out the only piece of advice he ever does, namely “don’t take advice from anyone.” Especially not Barlow.
Recap recap recap recap. OK, who’s good for filling a bit of time? Rihanna, that’s who. Oh she’s doing a ballid. ‘Cause we don’t get enough of those round here. After quite a lot of this, it eventually turns into “We Found Love” and the audience kind of wakes up.
Can we finally
end this farrago now? The finalists are Jahmene and James, and the winner is… James! So at least one tiny interesting thing has happened, namely that James is the first X Factor
winner ever to have previously been in the Bottom Two. Yes, a mildly diverting statistic, this is as exciting as this entire series ever got. But you know, this could really work out well for James, because he’s apparently a really different and credible artist, just like Matt Cardigan was meant to be. Um. OK, but he’s a white male singer who’s won the UK X Factor
, which means he’ll still have a record deal years from now just like Steve Brookst… I mean Shane Wa… Leon Jacks… How about Maliddlejoe McEld… OK, but if you look at Matt Card… Er…
Still, good luck eh James?