This week on my Twitter feed
, oh the relief as this year's X Factor
limps to an end, and the even greater relief as I miss most of it.
Just about stopped myself from yelling "CUNT!" as I woke up at about 6am. (Ricky Gervais had just shown up in a nightmare.)
10:56 AM - 6 Dec 12
Attention: Girls Aloud just rhymed "basin" with "washing my face in." Des'ree's quaking in her boots.
9:47 AM - 7 Dec 12
Woman on train's INCREDIBLY URGENT series of phone calls turns out to be about exactly how she wants her nails done.
8:43 AM - 8 Dec 12
"What do you need so many handbags for? You're like Imelda Marcos!" #jokefail
8:54 AM - 8 Dec 12
If it's Godunov for you, it's Godunov for me #rsc #iamusemyself
3:43 PM - 8 Dec 12
@Weez if you should ever breed, the RSC shop now has babies' bibs with Shakespeare quotes on them. Indoctrinate them early.
3:47 PM - 8 Dec 12
Heh. Tourist just asked me to take a photo of him Alas Poor Yoricking with a souvenir skull mug #stratforduponavon
4:17 PM - 8 Dec 12
Need new gloves. Entrance to M&S menswear is via lingerie. I'm expecting an influx of Irish priests any minute now.
4:38 PM - 8 Dec 12
Just turned the TV on. Eurovision's a bit early this year. #xfactor
9:15 PM - 8 Dec 12
"The women on the panel are doing a great job. The women in the competition, on the other hand, are long gone." #xfactor
9:34 PM - 8 Dec 12
Are we really calling the people in the audience "lucky?" #xfactor
9:37 PM - 8 Dec 12
Gary's just had to run on stage after deleting Christopher's number from his phone #xfactor
9:57 PM - 8 Dec 12
Ew. Could have done without seeing what that bloke on the tube did with his tongue in my direction.
12:36 PM - 9 Dec 12
"Woof!" Dermot finally realising that dogs make more sense than he usually does. #xfactor
7:42 PM - 9 Dec 12
Ah, here they are: The parade of those I've already forgotten, and those I wish I could. #xfactor
7:46 PM - 9 Dec 12
"He knows if you've been bad or good, which is why Christopher The Mersey Strangler has stayed away tonight." #xfactor
7:48 PM - 9 Dec 12
"It doesn't happen for everyone." And yet that montage didn't include Brookstein having a crywank, for the other side of the story. #xfactor
8:22 PM - 9 Dec 12
Memorable performances aren't Emeli Sande's thing, Dermot. Ubiquitous performances are her thing. #xfactor
8:35 PM - 9 Dec 12
To think we slagged off NBC when they edited Emeli Sande out of the #lympic
opening ceremony. Turns out they were onto something #xfactor
8:37 PM - 9 Dec 12
"It's just single after single after single." WE BLOODY KNOW! #xfactor
8:39 PM - 9 Dec 12
"Amazing, the look on his face when he saw that CD cover." Yeah, he was thinking "what's a CD cover?" #xfactor #youngpeoplethesedays
9:39 PM - 9 Dec 12
Meanwhile,TV interviewers across the land slash their wrists at the prospect of trying to get an interesting interview out of James #xfactor
9:41 PM - 9 Dec 12
Can I write the book of a musical please? I am really, really bad at coming up with stories that make sense, so I should be ideal.
11:08 PM - 10 Dec 12
I was led to believe there'd be more than just bums getting an airing, but I'll take what I can get #intervaltweets
9:01 PM - 11 Dec 12
@Weez Great tragedies of our time: I doubt there's a single seat in the theatre from which the tattoo would be visible :(
11:01 PM - 11 Dec 12